It was recently brought to my attention that there is a hot new beard trend involving mascara and references to unicorns. In fact, several people let me know whenever there is a “hot new beard trend” because I am the token bearded-American in their lives.  These people mean well; they’re universally follicularly challenged (often women) and think that their beardo friends are just Ken dolls waiting to be adorned in whatever is trending on Pinterest today. And they also seem blissfully unaware that these “hot new trends” are mostly just two guys from Portland on Instagram with a shtick that has been escalating since 2014 when they stuck some flowers in their beard on a lark and got positive buzz from it. They dabbled in food stuffs and non-flowering plants, returning to more complicated floral arrangements periodically to hold the interest of their followers. At some point they crossed an unforgivable line into glitter beards. I assume anyone else who tried this on the internet has some kind of mental handicap, intense self-loathing or is very good at photoshopping, because only a masochist would put the herpes of crafting (thanks Dimitri Martin) into their beard. I’m not even sure how you would get rid of glitter in one’s beard that did not involve dying and being reincarnated as not-a-fool. More benignly they did Christmas ornaments for this Christmas.

So remember, kids. Next time you see a clickbaity article talking about a hot new beard grooming trend is sweeping the nation’s men, remember that it’s probably just a few instagram personalities having fun or trolling for clicks and not hot, new, or a trend.

A bizarre homage to last week’s Manly Monday:

Got Wood?? #Lumberjack

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I do believe we wore the same plastic prop ax to the party. One of us will have to go home and change.