Has he actually seen Rachel's tits? Or any human female's, for that matter?People have been justifiably lambasting Bill Nye and Netflix over Rachel Bloom’s performance of “My Sex Junk” in Nye’s new series, Bill Nye Saves The World. And yet it seems that Bloom’s performance itself has, by and large, undeservedly escaped censure. Although “My Sex Junk” spectacularly plunges into unintentional self-mockery, allow me to have a grab at some of the lowest-hanging fruit ever produced.

I’m no expert on song lyrics – in fact, I listen to mostly instrumental music – but I feel rather secure in thinking that Rachel Bloom’s “Sex Junk” doesn’t rise to the level of Paul Simon, Sarah McLachlan, or Noel Gallagher. It doesn’t even rise to the level of “Louie Louie”.

It begins on a stupid note, and only gets worse from there:


This one goes out to all my bipeds

who identify as ladies!

And now enter…Rachel Bloom.


This world of ours

is full of choice

But must I choose between

only John or Joyce?


First of all, way to other Suzanne Somers there. But when did “choice” enter into this discussion? I thought this stuff was decided for you by biological urges.

Are my options

only hard or moist?

My vagina

has its own voice

So, you opt for “moist”, then? Or were you trying to look into adding teeth? A Doomcock? Tentacles? We’re two verses in, and we’re farther away from a point than when we started.


Not vocal cords

a metaphorical voice

Kudos on rhyming “voice” with “voice”. This is Shakespearean stuff.



Sometimes I do a voice for my vagina

Please don’t tell me I’m the only one who does that.

WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS AND THAT’S SO FUNNY! But what are we talking about here?



Cause my sex junk

Is so oh-oh-oh

Much more than

either or-or-or

I’d like to think that Rachel Bloom (born 1987) was a fan of Bill Nye’s as a little kid, and when she heard that Netflix was going to reboot his show, she was excited. And because she was a fan, she arranged to meet him; however, as so often happens, meeting your childhood heroes can be underwhelming, if not an outright disappointment. Nevertheless, during the meeting, she agreed to contribute something to his new project.

With the “meh” of their meeting fresh in her mind, Bloom moved the Nye project onto the back burner for months until, suddenly, the deadline loomed large on the horizon. Frantically, she scratched words on to the page, all the while cursing herself for not backing out of the project. The midnight oil burned through the smallest hours, there wasn’t a single grain of cocaine anywhere in sight, and she was falling asleep at the keyboard. She looked over the latest revision of the first draft: It’ll be fine. I’ll do a stupid dance, I’ll do the vagina voice joke. No one’s going to be parsing every single word, they’ll be laughing too hard.

If that isn’t what happened, if this is the best that Rachel Bloom could come up with, and if Bill Nye and his people reviewed the material and said “This is great!”, then fuck it. I’m going on a shooting spree. I can’t believe producers threw money at a bunch of placeholder lyrics written by an insane person and then presented this material as educational and/or entertaining. Wrapping my shoes in duct tape is more enlightening than this stuff, and way more fun.


Power bottom

or a top off

Versatile love

may have some butt stuff



It’s evolution

ain’t nothin’ new

there’s nothin’ taboo

about a sex stew

Well, we’ve touched on Jack and Janet, sexual organs, role-play, sex acts, and evolution. Nothing about the topic du jour.


Just add salt

or Gerard Depardieu


French treasure

If we’re forced to live with the heavy hand of the state anyway, I’d like for everyone involved with this travesty to be arrested, and their assets seized, on the grounds that this video is promoting pedophilia. My justification goes like this:

1) Bill Nye,The Science Guy was a show aimed at children. His reappearance on Netflix could fool parents into thinking that his current show is aimed at children, thus exposing them to age-inappropriate content like this

2) Gerard Depardieu starred in 1993’s My Father The Hero with a then-14-year old Katherine Heigl. One of the film’s set-pieces involved a musical number in which Depardieu’s character was misunderstood to be singing about the joys of romantic love with underage girls. Clearly, Bloom’s reference to Gerard Depardieu is expressing solidarity with that idea

3) As is well-known, the French Treasure is a particularly sordid sex act involving foie gras, spools of pastel-tinted yarn, a half-dozen Gauloises, and a schoolgirl uniform. Or so I’m told

4) The French are all a bunch of perverts



Cause my sex junk

Is so oh-oh-oh

Much more than

either or-or-or


If they’re alive, I’ll date ’em

Channing or Jenna Tatum

I’m up for anything

Don’t box in my box

Let me rewrite this so that…let’s say, “it’s less incomprehensible”. Because “it makes sense” is the wrong phrase here:


I’m not very selective

about my sex partners

I’ll even have sex with super-hot celebrity couples

It’s so cool how I’m not a prude

Still waiting on something – anything – about transgenderism.


Give someone new a handy

then give yourself props

I’m not even going to comment on this toe-jam posing as a couplet, because the video now takes a sudden nosedive into the darkest depths of stupid.

[ENTER: Man with glasses taped in the middle. He is wearing a collared shirt, dark tan khakis pulled up too high. His shirt pocket is loaded with pens. He is a NERD]



Oh, you think you’re so smart

Did you learn gay in college?

I told you he’s a nerd. See, only nerds have prudish ideas about gay being a lifestyle choice which young people are fooled into choosing at liberal universities. Who isn’t aware of that particular nerd stereotype? That’s what makes “My Sex Junk” so funny and hard-hitting – how true to life it is.



Chill with all of that

while I drop some knowledge

“Give yourself props”, “drop some knowledge”? Awfully problematic, this white girl using language found in hip-hop, isn’t it? But I suppose the super-woke deserve a pass.

When she says “drop some knowledge”, I assume she means from the top of a ten-story building, shattering it into a million tiny shards of derp. Let’s see:


Sexuality’s a spectrum

everyone is on it

even you might like it

if you sit up on it

Oh, so this was about sexual orientation after all? Also: Rachel Bloom seems to think we can use the sexuality spectrum to pleasure ourselves with.


Drag queen, drag king

just do what feels right

You’re a tall pansexual

flirty wood sprite

But…but being a drag queen =/= sexual preference. We’re back to sexual identity now. Or are we?


Who enjoys a fleshlight

in the cold moonlight?

That question sounded familiar.



With a sad clown

Skyping by satellite?

This guy again? Because this dumpster fire of a performance wasn’t stupid enough?



Damn skippy, home slice

sing it with me all night

Is it wrong of me to wish that Rachel Bloom ends up in a dog-fighting ring as a contestant?


[The NERD and BLOOM slap high-fives and then the NERD pulls off tearaway pants. Goddammit, I hate my well-functioning eyeballs sometimes]



Sex how you want

it’s your goddamn right

Which amendment was that again? Because if you thought the whole gay wedding cake fiasco was a shit-show, wait until you’ve received a court order to bang Lindy West or Matt Yglesias.



Cause my sex junk

Is so oh-oh-oh

Much more than

either or-or-or


Get off your soapbox

get off your soapbox

 Get off my soapbox? MY soapbox?? Excuse me, but one of us spent lots of time and many thousands of dollars to make an insipid music video on the subject of human sexuality AND IT WASN’T ME.


My sex junk’s better than

bagels with lox

With lots of schmear

“Excuse me, waiter? I’ll have the sex junk and a cup of Americano, please.”


[Performance ends with BLOOM, NERD, and RANDOM DANCER standing in tableau. MORONS in audience applaud wildly. VOTERS look on in horror, prepare to re-elect TRUMP]