“Coats! Comey! Sessions! They are all against me!” Donald screamed in the Oval Office.

He picked up a bust of Eisenhower and threw it at one of the windows. It bounced off the tough glass and fell to the floor impotently, like a hollow metaphor.

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“All against me,” he yelled at the Presidential pillow humping couch. Jr. and Eric huddled together on it, clawing at each other in panic.

“Bright lights!” Jr. yelped.

“Loud noises!” Eric agreed.

Donald snatched the hair from his head and wrung it in his hands with anxiety.

“What are we going to do?” he asked his idiot sons, “I can’t trust anyone. They all turn on me in the end, they all betray me.”

“Ivanka,” Eric whispered. He had wet her bed until he was 15.

“Jared,” Jr. whispered, afraid that the fearsome bust of Dime Man would be thrown at him.

“They are already doing what they can,” Donald replied. He had twisted the hair into a rope and was slapping against his leg as he stalked back and forth.

“You two are just going to have to step up,” Donald said.

He tossed the mess of hair onto his desk and picked up his beloved MAGA hat. He crossed to the couch and jammed it down on Jr.’s head roughly.

“You are going to be Attorney General after I get rid of Jeffy,” Donald said.

“I don’t wanna, Papa,” he said miserably. He thought about getting a blowjob on a speedboat and began to cry.

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Donald pointed at Eric. “And you will be Director of National Intelligence,” he said. “You’re smart, right? Like, national intelligence smart at least.”

Eric nodded dumbly. He thought about calling Ivanka, but Papa got mad when he talked on his phone. He would tell her later. She would be proud of him, he thought. She might even leave Jared before Eric had to try and have him killed again.

“Where’d he go?” Donald asked Jr., pointing at a staring Eric, but Jr. only shook his head.

“I should have put you both in a sack when you were little and thrown you in the river,” Donald muttered.

“Yes, Papa,” they both said in nauseating harmony.

The hat fell off Jr.’s carefully shellacked dome of hair and landed on the couch, upside-down like a helpless turtle.