“You released the emails?!?” Donald roared, beating on the door of the Special Presidential Shitter that Junior was hiding in.
“I had to, Daddy!” he wailed over the jet engine scream of the auto-targeting MegaBidet.
“Get out here!’ Donald yelled. “And stop using my bidet! That’s President water you’re shooting up your ass. MY WATER!”
“My butt parts have never felt so fresh!” Junior sobbed as the noise from the bidet died away.
“Open this door! Open it now!”
Donald pushed the door open as soon as he heard the lock click; Junior was knocked back on the floor, the pants of his expensive suit around his knees, his tie knotted tightly around his neck.
“What were you doing in here?” Donald demanded.
“Nothing, Daddy,” Junior said guiltily.
“Were you choking-jerking in here with my auto-bidet?” Donald accused.
He knew exactly what was going on, but wanted to make Junior admit it. Forcing him to take responsibility for his actions was what the family counselor suggested the first time he had killed a maid. Junior was only nine and had had to use a drill. It was adorable in its own way, but Donald knew that to be a man, Junior would have to learn discretion.
Junior looked around the room, his eyes alighting on anything but his father’s face. “Yes,” he mumbled.
“Clean yourself up before anyone sees you,” Donald said.
“My tummy hurts, Daddy,” Junior said, rubbing his lower intestines.
“You’ll be fine.”
Junior bent over and retched.
“Some poopy water just came out of my mouth, Daddy.”
“I told you it was too powerful,” Donald said as Junior was lifted off the Special Presidential Shitter floor by a jet of liquid expelled from his anus.
————-
“Why are you telling me this?” the hat asked wearily.
“Because it’s funny,” the hair replied.
“I just want to go back to sleep.”
“Goddammit. You need to snap out of it. This moping around is just boring.”
“If you want to leave, then leave. I don’t know why you stay with me anyway.”
“We’re locked in the Vault together. Where would I go?”
“Just leave me alone,” the hat whispered.
Exasperated, the hair turned to the stands of silent hairpieces past that Donald refused to wear but also refused to get rid of.
“What up, my wiggas?” he asked.
But they didn’t answer, like they never answered, and the hair was alone. Utterly alone.
Second
No one can get an official first, since no one actually dares to read SugarFree’s lurid prose.
First only counts on Links. You know how I know this? Because I had the last first! Also, if you call second and it’s really first, that means you’re actually 3rd. But if it’s not a link, that means you’re last.
First!
You win one internet.
A fine return to form.
Junior, Junior, Junior. (Shakes head). Despite popular opinion, it’s not the cover up that kills you. It’s not covering up the cover up that gets you fucked in DC.
BTW, I didn’t see the maid murder coming. Nice. If I worked at Lifetime, I’d turn than into a spinoff.
You could probably turn it into a series, with a different maid every week!
I started a Glibertarians Discord.
https://discord.gg/5aKBR2E
Basically its a little real time chat server.
That’s nothing.
I just started a Glibertarians Chaturbate room.
This is why there are no glibertarian women.
Thus the need for brojobs.
You fuckers from AZ need to get into this chatroom so we can organize range days. Don’t make me hunt you all down.
You already know where I work. Im the brownest guy wearing a dress shirt that is not from India or Pakistan.
Happy hunting. Muwahahahaha
Shit. I forgot about Gil. Don’t shoot Gil, he’s…
…you know what? Nevermind.
Howie Mandel talking about his $5000 Japanese toilet/bidet is a hoot. Apparently he is hugely OCD about cleanliness.
In Beijing, they call Chinese food “food”.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Behold the neckbeard in it’s natural habitat. Listen to its plaintive call.
/Richard Attenborough voice
You make a video with half a million views. And no snuff films.
“It’s not what you think. It ain’t like what you see in gay p***,” I explained to him. Still, he wanted to know and so I shared with him. And now – I’m going to do the same with you.
I really don’t get this habit that’s cropping up of people supposedly trying to write serious articles but are scared to type out certain words, like those idiots at CNN and ‘HanAssholeSolo’.
I don’t get this drive to make “brojobs” a thing.
Everybody wants one, but nobody wants to give one?
Porn is a bad word now? Its starting to remind me of that Conan bit when thwy bleep out unnecessary words.
Kimmel.
I mustve been thinking of Inappropriate
https://youtu.be/GwSsMMou_Hc
Casting directors suck.
“Some poopy water just came out of my mouth, Daddy.”
“I told you it was too powerful,” Donald said as Junior was lifted off the Special Presidential Shitter floor by a jet of liquid expelled from his anus.
Dude, was that necessary? Some of us are making dinner. It was worth the chuckle in spite of making me think of poopy discharge as I eat my brisket tacos later.
Did the hangle “SugarFree” convey no warning to you?
handle
Why would poopy water come out of his mouth after drinking from a bidet?
He wasn’t drinking from it.
Man, now I see. I intentionally skimmed that.
How do you use a bidet?
Push the button and pucker up, Buttercup.
Wash my hair?
You read SF article around dinner time?
I’m making mashed potatoes right now and it didn’t phase me. Glibs has shifted my disgusting window.
Amazon wants me to buy 65lb, $1000 wheel of cheese. My last three Amazon hits were links from this place. Anyone else have this problem?
That’s a lotta cheese. What kind?
Picante Provolone.
I’ve never had Amazon to target me to buy 65 lbs of cheese. That’s bizarre. What the hell did you buy? It was a 100 lb bag of cheesy poofs wasn’t it?
Recent browsing history:
Cat Butt Fidget spinners
AR-15 golf ball cannon
Escape from Colditz board game, 75th anniversary edition
Like I said, links from you lunatics.
That makes sense. It’s to stop you up after going through the 55 gallon drum of lube.
I can only think of one thing right now, well actually 2.
AR-15 golf ball cannon
Squirrels
I’ll be in my bunk
No, but my youtube is starting to suggest some disturbing videos.
Humongous Wheel of Cheese was my college roommate’s porn name. Don’t mind him, he’s harmless.
Shouldn’t one of those words be in “quotation marks”?
All I get are suggestions for feminist craft or coloring books.
I was just having a good laugh with the wifey over a situation at the local Starbucks. This is very un-PC, so any of you are easily triggered, should probably stop reading now and go cuddle a puppy.
So there’s a ‘girl’ who works there and we’ve named her Pat. If you’re too old to remember that long ago in SNL history, you might not get this. Anyway, Pat is a female, but it took us maybe a month to actually figure this out. Pat has a typical guy’s short hair cut, wears guy’s clothes and has no apparent female anatomical features which would give it away. I finally figured it out one day when I was in there and there was no one else in there but me and I struck up a conversation with Pat. I went home and told my wife ‘Pat’s a girl!’. She asked me how I figured it out and I said ‘the voice and she has a girl’s name.
So the story continues. Tonight I stopped by there to get my wife her usual from there and … there’s a new lady, with blue and pink hair. Only that lady ain’t no lady, it’s a guy. With pink and blue hair, and lipstick. But it’s definitely a guy. So he is dubbed Pat 2. I’m now dying to find out if something’s going on between Pat 1 and Pat 2. I could start up a tabloid with this shit.
Sigh. You are so heterocisgendershitlord-y.
Thanks!
I just watched a video on how to make good coffee. It’s not difficult.
This is also a thing. Put them together.
Irrelevant since I already know how to make good coffee and do not drink Starbuck’s coffee. But thanks anyway.
You ever try the raw egg thing? I did it once, but it was Folgers so who cares. Didn’t really notice a difference.
Raw egg thing? For coffee? I’ve heard of putting an egg shell in a percolator to catch loose coffee grounds.
Something I picked up from Cryptonomicon, I think. Seems kinda hipsterish now, but I’ve read there’s some science backing it up. Basically, proteins in the albumen binding with whatever molecule is responsible for acrid coffee flavor and straining it out with the grounds.
Funny thing, the other esoteric drink I got from Neal Stephenson also involves an egg.
Interesting, I’ll have to try that. I was doing to cold brew for a while which I like. Just putting grounds and water in a french press in the fridge overnight. Then heating up cups in the microwave as needed, It’s definitely smoother that way. The Keurig makes me lazy though.
I got no fucking idea what this thing is your guys are going on about with eggs. I have a Bunn machine I make my coffee with. Wife has this weird ancient looking thingy that she sometimes makes it in. She also has this weird little machine that she makes some sort of whipped topping for coffee when she makes my coffee when I’m working from home. I don’t know what’s in that except for milk, I know milk is in it.
I think what your wife is using is called a “hair dryer”, but womyn folk are weird, so I may be wrong.
No. At least not knowingly. The church that sponsored the Boy Scout troop I was in had a lot of Scandinavians, and their coffee for roast beef suppers was excellent…so maybe it was egg coffee.
I find it a little funny that cowboy coffee and snooty-french-press are more or less the same thing.
I use a plastic $2 drip cup thing. French press is OK but I don’t like the cleanup.
That’s just nasty. Makes me want to vomit. How do you people drink Starbucks?
We don’t. I have good to great coffee at home. My wife goes there to get their green tea fraps. Neither of us have ever drank coffee from Starbucks.
Found this at work today. This was derp I just had to share with you guys. I couldn’t help but look at the stupidity for a few minutes after first finding it. Did a lot of eye rolling.
I’ll see your derp and raise you eleven.
California and Europe got it right? If there’s something my state and Europe both do, it’s almost guaranteed to be the complete opposite of right.
I liked how it veered from “hm, this is interesting” into Salon-level überderp in like one paragraph. And this BP of ours, he’s your standard-issue Democrat machine politician. I can guaran-fucking-tee you he doesn’t give two shits about this “green” stuff.
“this BP of ours…”
Wait, what?
It took me a while to realize you meant “Borough President”, not the petroleum company.
“California and Europe got it right?”
How exactly?
The only way to make people happy is to tax the living shit out of them and provide them with shitty stuff that no one wants in return.
It amazes me that so many people can be so stupid that they need politicians to be their mommies.
I guess they just never grow up and stop needing a mommy.
By completely giving up fossil fuels duh.
Germany under the genius guidance of Frau Merkel, is on it. They can probably just go all solar. Anyone have the math on the avg number of sunshine hours in Germany? I’m sure it looks promising, cuz feelz.
What’s German for “rolling blackout”? Or, “the electic bill is too damn high!”
Stay tuned to find out.
Arbeit macht frei
LOL
Thank you for wasting 3 minutes of my life. 3 minutes that I will never get back.
So, do you want to talk about diversity now?
I would rather bill Eddie for my three minutes. I charge a two hour minimum, BTW.
Oh for the love of… I’m buying 30 of those just so I can run over them and make a Youtube video out of it.
OH, good! the first glib video!
At least they put it on something I can kick.
“How do you respond to jokes that are demeaning or derogatory?”
I laugh my ass off.
LMAO
You know how every racist joke starts?
*Looks around room*
Black people dance like this… and white people….
I’ll bite. How does every racist joke start?
Ask Eric Dyson’s mom.
*looks around room*
Geez
I’m glad you explained it. I was going to explain it to him, but then I remembered that not only is he a Mexican, he is also a sharpshooter. Don’t want to piss him off, ya dig?
It’s the internet, dude. I’m 6’5″, 200 lbs of pure chiseled muscle with a 7″ cock. Oh, and i was special forces in every war from Vietnam to Operation Enduring Freedom.
And I make $5000 an hr plus OT.
Huh. And here I thought you were a sarcastic, disagreeable, and alcoholic, yet, lovable robot. The internet is weird!
“How do you respond to jokes that are demeaning or derogatory?”
I laugh my ass off
The USMNT seem to be forgetting that they need at least two goals here. I get it that this is like their C-team but sheesh.
Douche bags, if you can’t beat Martinique, go home and stay home.
And I’d say this if it were fucking cricket…
Bruce is tearing them a new asshole right now.
It’s deserved. Even if it is C team (which it definitely looks like), I thought we were at least a mid-rank country. We should be committing sportal murder right now. We should be winning 10-0 or thereabouts.
This is the reserve team of the B-team that tied against Panama the other day. None of our “stars” are there – Dempsey, Altidore, et al. What star power we have is currenty sitting on the bench.
That said, I know how this works. The manager plays a 5-dimensional chess game figuring out the minimum required team to beat the opposition. There was never a chance we’d play our A team against Martinique. And in the grand scheme of things, this competition isn’t all that important anyway.
“There was never a chance we’d play our A team against Martinique.”
We never should have fucking had to. (But you know that). We finally actually got a fucking goal, and if we keep that differential – better than not – but as you pointed out, +2 is better than +1.
OTOH, US vs UK, 1950, or (hockey) – US vs USSR 1980. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You know all of that isn’t real, right? Any sport I didn’t play as a kid is just fake news.
And… Guzan does what Guzan does.
To elaborate, we have what I consider are better goalkeepers sitting on the bench. But Guzan played in Europe so natuarally he gets the go. Despite being a complete fuckup at Aston fucking Villa.
JFC. If you can’t beat Zapopan FC, fuck off. And also, Guzan, that goal? You fucker. Go back to subbing for some fucking AAA MLC club.
Dude – second – your 9:31.
I can’t even keep up here. What a rollercoaster.
Oh, fuck you, Bruce. Fuck you hard.
Sorry, Rhywun – I was getting pissed and incoherent. Let me sum up:
1) You’re right, Arena is a dick
2) The US club needs actual depth, because they don’t have jack shit now.
1) If this result holds, Arena looks like a genius.
2) I actually think we do have decent depth. Probably the best since I’ve been watching for 10 years or so. I mean, we’re never gonna compete with Europe because baseball and football, so we have to manage our expectations accordingly.
We seem to have the “depth” a UK D2 or D3 team has. (Admittedly, with better top talent). Out tier 3 guys should’ve handled these dudes with
Fuck – sorry, dude, was gonna drop this topic, as it’s getting toxic.
/we can agree to disagree, especially as it doesn’t mean shit anyway…
And now… Mayweather/McGregor clips. Wow, what an embarassment. “World Tour”? i can’t even.
Martinique isn’t that bad, right?
They’re playing as well as could be expected – the US is way, way underperforming.
In economic freedom? They’re between Fiji and Fuck you.
In sporting? They have 300,000 people. An NYC soccer club should be able to school them.
Every time I watch the crime shows on ID, I think about this. Along, with prosecutor misconduct.
https://townhall.com/columnists/michellemalkin/2017/07/12/the-crisis-in-americas-crime-labs-n2353637
That makes me want to Hulk up and SMASH! Seriously, that’s five kinds of fucked up.
This was all just a setup for “wiggas”
I have about a 45 minute commute each day and have recently been listening to a lot of podcasts. I started on the mises academy Economics of the great depression last week. It’s damn interesting.
Have any of you Glibs ever done any of the mises academy stuff. I feel like it’s good information.
No. But I’m thinking of moving out for a longer commute, so maybe I’m going to need something like that. Although 45 minutes is not considered a long commute around here. Right now, mine is around 20-35 minutes morning and 30-45 in the evening, depending on which client I’m going to visit. Interestingly, I can move the 40+ miles away that I’m looking at and it would only increase to about 1-1.5 hours each way. And I only live 9-15 miles from all my clients now. It it will probably work out for me because I work from home 2-5 days a week. Sometimes more. I really want to move away from here and telecommute full time. I know others in my field who are doing it. I just have to get a little more confident in knowing it’s going to work out ok.
tl;dr
The lessons are about 90 minutes long. They fit just about perfect woth my drive. I am uneducated, so everything I learn, I have to learn on my own. Doing podcasts during my commute on educational subjects has been a benefit to me.
So, you know how YouTube doesn’t promote anti-SJW/feminist videos in their trending feed and demonetizes them as not being “advertiser friendly”? Guess what YouTube does promote? (as a side note to Gilmore, do you still think I’m wrong about pedophilia being the new thing to normalize here in the near future?) Honest to God, I couldn’t bring myself to watch it, I’ve only seen clips of it from another YouTube video.
Don’t click this.
Un. Fucking. Believable. I made it as far as the one mom telling her kids that a dildo is why we don’t need men. Nice
*shrugs*
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.
Awaiting KIDS REACT TO this video.
Maybe PBS will offer an even handed-
oh.
Is there a Democrat out there that can’t sound like a complete idiot. “Russia tried to undermine our democracy!”. Hey political hack, how? And if you say, “We don’t know yet” I’m going to ignore every word escaping your pie hole.
and the hair was alone. Utterly alone.
*sheds a single manly tear*