By Not Adahn
Axiom I: The perfect drinking game encourages consumption, speeding the participants into a state of pleasant disinhibition as a prelude to philosophizing, socializing, and wild monkey sexifizing.
Axiom II: Frequent small drinks are preferable to infrequent large drinks. Spectacular consumption attempts are temporarily entertaining, but the inevitable failures waste alcohol, and vomit is irritating to mucous membranes.
Axiom III: The game should allow moments of conversation with one’s immediate neighbor, but should also require one’s attention often enough to prevent lapses in the conversation resulting from you not actually having anything in common with them other than a vaguely-compatible sexual orientation.
Axiom IV: Any non-consumable items involved in the game should be commonly available and either durable or trivially costly to replace.
The following are the rules to Threeman, probably the most popular drinking game during my time at the redacted house at the University of redacted.
- A pair of standard six-sided dice is used.
- The players gather around a suitable flat surface, usually a table.
- The first player to play is the “threeman.” This status may be determined by any method appropriate to the group (“1-2-3 not it,” random dice roll, headbutting contest, etc.)
- Play occurs by rolling the dice. Rolls that cause the dice to leave the play area incur a three drink penalty to the roller (“sloppy dice, drink thrice”). After the roll, penalty drinks as determined by the particular roll are distributed and consumed.
- If the previous roll caused drinks to be consumed, the player rolls again. If the roll resulted in no penalty drinks, then the dice are passed widdershins to the next player.
- Any time a three is rolled on either die, the threeman takes a drink. The threeman also drinks on a roll of 2 and 1.
- Threeman status continues until the threeman him/her/xirself rolls a three on either die or a roll of 2 and 1. At this point, that player can designate any other player as the threeman.
- Doubles: if the same number is rolled on both dice, the rolling player can pass them to one or two other players, who must then roll what they are given, and consume the number of drinks shown.
- Exception: on double 1s (“snake eyes”) the dice distribution and rolls are as above, but the drink consumption is done by the player who rolled the snake eyes.
- Double doubles: if the penalty roll players from 8 supra both roll the same number on their dice, the dice are passed back to the original player who must then roll the dice and drink double the number shown.
- Double double doubles: this pattern of doubling can continue ad infinitum, until finally a stupid or anatomically impossible number of penalty drinks is awarded. If the player then refuses to make the attempt and throws the dice across the room in frustration, they are expelled from the game and do not get laid that evening.
- Penalty drinks are codified on the following table: