ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ SEES THAT DESPITE PREVIOUSLY CORRECTING THE BRUTAL KNOWN AS “DEAR ABBY” – SHE PERSISTS IN GIVING BAD ADVICE TO THE CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ, YOUR GOD, WILL CORRECT THAT WITH THE GIFT OF ADVICE. ADVICE IS GOOD! THE PENIS, HOWEVER, REMAINS EVIL.
Q: My husband and I argue more than I’d like. I am pretty easygoing and passive; he likes his feelings to be known. Over time I have become worn down, and my patience has worn thin.
We are starting to rebound from what I call “the year from hell.” His drinking and poor choices nearly put us on the street, and I was ready to walk. Things are starting to get better, but what we can’t seem to agree on is communication during the day.
Abby, I am on the phone for a living. I cannot stand being on it more than I must be. He calls and/or texts me up to 12 times a day. I can’t stand it. Even when I’m busy or give him a time certain when I will call him back, he beeps in before I have the chance.
I am now at the end of my rope. With all that I have dealt with, worked through and put up with, this is something I will not compromise on.
I feel it’s more than sufficient to talk on my way in to work, maybe check in around lunch, then on the way home. He feels that because I don’t feel the need to call or talk that much that I don’t love him. I can’t stand listening to the dead air or breathing because there is nothing to talk about.
Am I being petty for letting this be the thing that will break us? — TALKS TOO MUCH IN TEXAS
A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! IF THIS “HUSBAND” INSISTS ON TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION, INFORM HIM YOU WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. AS FOR HIS OTHER ACTIVITIES – HE SHOULD BE TRIED, AND JUDGED, BY THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX. FOR HIS TRANSGRESSIONS, HE WILL BE PREMATURELY AGED INTO DOTAGE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: My sister-in-law is extremely allergic to cats. We have six cats, but live 1,000 miles away from her.
When her 8-year-old son comes to visit, he has a Ziploc bag full of clean clothes that he puts on before he goes home. The clothes he wore here are sealed up at the end of his trip to be washed.
I’m OK with this. But I need some advice for an upcoming big family holiday gathering. We have all been courteously asked to wash our clothes before coming, to vacuum our vehicles and to limit our contact with cats before arriving.
Am I wrong to feel like it’s her problem, not ours? — WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT
A: THE PROBLEM IS THAT OF THE WEAK BRUTAL SISTER IN LAW. ZARDOZ HAS RAISED YOU UP FROM BRUTALITY, TO KILL THE BRUTALS WHO MULTIPLY AND ARE LEGION. IF A LITTLE KITTEH ALLERGY WILL RID THE WORLD OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS, THEN ROLL IN CAT FUR BEFORE YOU VISIT! DO NOT TAKE IT OUT ON POOR LITTLE MR. WHISKERS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
(ITS OK, KITTY, THE BAD BRUTALS WON’T HURT YOU! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.)
Q: Is it cheating to proofread your college-aged child’s final before he/she turns it in? — WONDERING IN ORANGE, CALIF.
A: ZARODZ IS STIRRED TO WRATH! HOW WILL YOUR MISERABLE OFFSPRING BECOME A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR, IF HE HAS A HELICOPTER BRUTAL HOVERING OVER HIM. HE SHOULD BE GIVEN THE GIFT OF THE GUN, AND LEFT TO HIS OWN DEVICES. YOU, HOWEVER, SHALL BE CAST OUT OF THE CHOSEN ONES… AND CLEANSED. REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS ARE BEING DISPATCHED! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.