ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING RECENTLY DISPATCHED “DEAR PRUDENCE” ONCE AGAIN, ZARDOZ NOTES THAT “DEAR ABBY” HAS PERSISTED IN HER ERRONEOUS WAYS. AS SHE REMAINS IN NEED OF CORRECTION, ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE THE BETTER ADVICE FOR HIS CHOSEN ONES.
Q: Dear Abby: I play cards with a group of men I have known for more than 20 years. We switch partners after six hands so everyone partners with everyone.
One member of the group has now become unable to remember the rules and constantly asks how he should respond to his partner’s bid. He also keeps asking the score and whose deal it is. Because we give small prizes for the high score, I think it’s cheating to discuss a hand across the table.
What should we do when he asks the rules or how to bid a hand? I think we should play as we always have, and not discuss the hand or how to bid. Should I find another group to play with, and how can I explain my reason for quitting the group? — PLAYER IN THE SOUTH
A: IT IS CLEAR YOUR FELLOW CARD PLAYING BRUTAL RAN AFOUL OF THE ETERNALS AND WAS PREMATURELY AGED INTO DOTAGE.
YOU MUST CEASE TO PLAY CARDS OR GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. ABANDON HIM TO WANDER THE STREETS OF THE VORTEX, WITH THE OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN PUNISHED THUS. AS FAR AS A NEW PARTNER, ZARDOZ WOULD BE PLEASED TO SIT IN A FEW HANDS. AS LONG AS ONE OF YOU CAN MANIPULATE THE CARDS FOR ZARDOZ…SINCE, WELL, YOU KNOW. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: Dear Abby: One of my nephews is turning 24 soon. I am reluctant to get him a birthday gift because he’s lazy and disrespectful and makes up excuse after excuse for not working. On top of that, he has a 1-year-old daughter and managed to get his family evicted because he felt the mother should do everything — and I mean EVERYthing.
He’s on his cellphone all day texting other women or posting Facebook nonsense. The mother of his child finally woke up and left him, so now he has moved in with his mother.
We’re pretty sure he won’t be living with her long before he’s kicked out. We have all tried to help and support him, but we are tired and no longer want to be bothered.
Must I give him a birthday gift? Or should I use the excuse he gives everyone else: “Oh, I ordered your gift online and they must not have shipped it yet.” — TIRED OF THIS MESS
A: WEAKLING BRUTAL! THE ONLY GIFT YOUR WORTHLESS “NEPHEW” SHOULD RECEIVE, IS THE GIFT OF THE GUN – AIMED AT HIM!
AS FOR HIS SHIFTLESS WAYS, DO NOT WORRY. ZARDOZ HAS A “JOB” FOR HIM…AND IT IS NOT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: Dear Abby: Many years ago, in a “Farmer’s Almanac,” I read a saying so profound and succinct, I have never forgotten it. I thought one day I should send it to you. Well, with everything that’s been happening in Hollywood and beyond, this is the time.
It goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know about it, don’t DO it!” — FAITHFUL READER IN CARMEL, N.Y.
A: BRUTAL NONSENSE! THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT SOMETHING; 1) DO NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH THEM, 2) CLEANSE ANYONE WHO KNOWS.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.