The ceremony to placate the Skunk Ape and keep the rapey cousin of STEVE SMITH raping anyone besides Florida Man was off to a rocky start. One of his minions had decided it was a good idea to give blood and go drinking before capturing the three key deer (one buck and two does) that every in-the-know Florida Man knows will keep the lesser rape-ape away. FM had planned to take a sail around the Caribbean and take his chances with SEA SMITH, even going so far as to bring in help from outside of the great state of Florida. But that didn’t work out, either. Now, there was only one way to be safe. It was obvious to Florida Man that he would have to fall back and petition ZARDOZ, who he knew to have some substance abuse problems, to go to STEVE SMITH directly. Florida Man decidedly did not want to gain the attention of a giant flying head that thought FM’s favorite organ was evil, but… hey. Guns were fun to shoot, and FM knew plenty of brutals.
FM started out his petition in a way crafted to get ZARDOZ’s attention:
I am afraid that the Skunk Ape will come and rape me. I tried to give the traditional offering, but was unable to do so. Can you please tell me how to keep my rectum in some sort of shape other than “gang raped to death”. I have plenty of brutals and plenty of guns.
Florida Man may have left out some details. An angry voodoo priest with a discriminatory attitude towards Puerto Ricans. Some previous predation by Skunk Ape. It also appeared that maybe some of FM’s minions might have had, er, less than completely voluntary intercourse with some monkeys who worshiped Skunk Ape in their own fashion. Although, to FM’s way of thinking, the aggressive herpes simplex that resulted from those couplings should be its own punishment. Those were not important. What was really important was not having to have his rectum reconstructed by some guy who did two years of veterinary training at Southeast Hispaniola Junior College. Which, not to insult residents of the island of Hispaniola, is not exactly like getting it redone by the guy who does the asshole tightening on wealthy South Beach clients who are into that stuff. Florida Man might once have insulted that man’s work and been overheard.