by CPRM

PART ONE

PART TWO

Chapter IX

INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT

The picture FADES IN AND OUT as TED groggily regains consciousness. His beard and hair are noticeably longer, he reaches to touch his face and scratches himself with abnormally long fingernails. As he tries to gain his bearings the van abruptly moves side to side, bouncing him around.

TED
What the hell is going on?!

HARVEY turns to look back from the driver’s seat.

HARVEY
Holy shit! You’re awake!

TED notices an odd sensation in his groin, he reaches down and pulls up a catheter line and bag filled with urine.

TED
What the fuck!

There is a crashing sound and the van suddenly jumps, causing Ted to pull out the catheter. Blood and urine spray around the van’s interior.

HARVEY
Long story, short; you’ve been in a coma for a few months. We were being kept in a Soros dungeon in Chicago. I broke us out. It was quite brilliant actually…

INT—DUNGEON—DAY

STYLISH FLASH-BACK
Ted is comatose, Harvey is masturbating in the corner. A knock at the door. The door opens, a guard enters.

HARVEY(VO)
The guard came into the room, and I flung my seed in his face…

This happens on screen.

HARVEY(VO)
I had meticulously timed out the rotation of…

INT—Panel VAN—NIGHT

Ted interrupts the flash-back sequence.

TED
I don’t give a shit! I’m pissing blood back here!

The van is rocked once again by a collision.

TED(CONT’D)
And what the fuck is going on out there?

HARVEY
We’re being chased by Hillary’s goons. Kind of a fun action car chase thing.

TED
Fun!? And what do you mean Hillary’s goons?

EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT

The panel van is being chased by three black SUVs with big bold lettering in yellow on the side ‘FBI’. They ram the van again. The chase passes by a billboard that reads ‘BUY YOUR SWEETIE SOME SWEETS THIS VALENTINES DAY. WITHOUT THE GUILT. VISIT SUGARFREECANDIES.COM’

INT—PANEL VAN—NIGHT

Ted is rocked again by the impact. He hears a cough and leans over to get a better view of the passenger seat, where he sees TIM, a light-skinned black guy who looks sickly as if he has a bad case of the flu.

TED
Who the fuck is that!?

HARVEY
Ted, this is Tim, Tim, this is Ted.

They halfheartedly wave at each other.

HARVEY(CONT’D)
Tim works at the CDC. It’s all connected!

EXT—HIGHWAY—NIGHT

The van makes a pit maneuver and breaks free of its pursuers.

 

Chapter X

EXT—LITTLE CEASARS—DAY

Ted is sitting out the back doors of the panel van. Tim is leaning against the exterior, draped in a blanket, looking pale and sick. Harvey emerges from the store with a pizza in hand.

HARVEY
The only hot and ready they had was deep dish ham and pineapple.

Tim vomits.

TED
Fuck, I don’t even know the last time I ate solid food, give me a slice.

Harvey opens the box and Ted grabs a slice and begins to devour it. He begins speaking with his mouth full, spitting chunks everywhere.

TED (CONT’D)
So what the fuck is up with this Tim guy?

Harvey scuttles to the other side of Ted so Tim can’t hear him and whispers.

HARVEY
George and Hillary, after the Vegas debacle, they decided to weaponize the flu vaccine. You see the flu vaccine carries a dead version of whatever virus the CDC suspects will be most prevalent in a given year. But that’s not what they did this year. This year all the vaccines were for the Russian Flu. Well, all the real vaccines the politicians got anyway, the rest were just sugar water.

TED
What?

HARVEY
You see, Tim here is a diabetic, and after he took the shot he knew his reaction was a diabetic one. So he decided to look into it.

Tim starts shaking uncontrollably.

Harvey
Turns out all the shots designated for civilians were a sugar placebo. Only a chosen few were given access to the real vaccine against the Russian Flu.

TED
What the hell are you talking about you depraved piece of shit?

Tim collapses into a diabetic coma.

HARVEY
Don’t you get it? The Russians are behind all of it?!

Ted
Electing Trump?

HARVEY
Fuck no! Causing chaos in American politics. When Trump said the election might be rigged, he was called crazy and paranoid. But what happened after Trump won? Hillary said the election was rigged. Now we’ve got Robert Mueller chasing us all the way from Chicago to Florida to shut us up!

TED (holds his hand up)
Give me sec, I need to vomit.

HARVEY
Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be eating solid foods yet.

The camera pulls up in a crane shot as Ted is vomiting and Tim is having a diabetic seizure.

 

Chapter XI

EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

The panel van crashes into the side of high school after suddenly bursting into frame with a passenger side view of the van. It stops with a violent crash. The sliding door on the van opens, Ted and Tim exit through passenger side sliding door, supporting each other. Harvey rushes around, temporarily stopped when his tattered robe is caught on the bumper but fights his way free to help Ted and Tim.

TED
They’re going to be here any second!

Tim coughs up blood.

HARVEY
Wait, this is a high school. I spend a lotta time round these…for business reasons.

They continue to drag each other forward.

TED
Yeah, so?

HARVEY
If we go in there yelling about guns, they’re gonna lock the place down!

TED
But we ain’t got no guns!

HARVEY
That don’t matter, they hear the word, the place is locked like a nun’s asshole!

Tim coughs up some blood.

TIM
It’s worth a try.

Tim, Ted, and Harvey look at each other for a moment.

TED
Fuckit, we ain’t got nothin’ better.

INT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

Tim and Harvey drag Ted through the front doors.

HARVEY
I’ve got a gun.

The staff in the hallway continue about their business.

TED
It’s a semiautomatic gun!

The staff screams in terror and scrambles.

CU A BUTTON IS PUSHED.

CU EMERGENCY DOORS SHUT. The school is on LOCKDOWN.

EXT—SCHOOL—DAY

A black van marked FBI in yellow letters screeches to a halt. A hit squad exits the van followed by ROBERT, who exits the van in slow motion, adjusting his impeccable suit, a long-faced man with gray hair and a darkly shadowed face. Still in slow motion Robert and his goon squad pass several Dade County Sheriffs frozen in fear.

INT—SCHOOL—DAY

Tim and Harvey are dragging Ted down the hall when the door at the far end of the hall is breached with explosives. FBI goons come pouring in followed by Robert.

ROBERT
We can end this peacefully. Just tell everyone you work for the Russians. You helped steal the election.

Harvey stops and turns.

HARVEY
You’re the piece of shit working for the Russians!

ROBERT
That’s not the story the people will hear. And that’s all that matters.

HARVEY
You want to talk about public opinion! I built public opinion for 20 years for you assclowns! And this is the thanks I get!?

ROBERT
Kill them.

The clacking of stupid Hollywood guns being loaded when they already should have, then just before the FBI raid team opens fire, a group of high-school kids walks into the hail of gunfire. Killing the teenagers, but allowing Ted, Tim and Harvey to escape out the other exit.

EXT—HIGHSCHOOL—DAY

Harvey and Tim load Ted into an unlocked car in the parking lot.

HARVEY
Tim, do know how to hotwire this?

TIM
Why, cuz I’m black?

HARVEY
Well, yeah, and you’re like fucking smart.

TED moans in agony. Tim coughs up some blood.

TIM
Yeah, I can do it.

TIM rips apart the steering column and touches two wires together, like in the movies, and the car starts, he gets in the driver’s seat.

TIM
Get in bitch! If I’m gonna stereotype I be goin’ all out!

Harvey gets in and the car screams away.