The picture FADES IN AND OUT as TED groggily regains consciousness. His beard and hair are noticeably longer, he reaches to touch his face and scratches himself with abnormally long fingernails. As he tries to gain his bearings the van abruptly moves side to side, bouncing him around.
What the hell is going on?!
HARVEY turns to look back from the driver’s seat.
Holy shit! You’re awake!
TED notices an odd sensation in his groin, he reaches down and pulls up a catheter line and bag filled with urine.
What the fuck!
There is a crashing sound and the van suddenly jumps, causing Ted to pull out the catheter. Blood and urine spray around the van’s interior.
Long story, short; you’ve been in a coma for a few months. We were being kept in a Soros dungeon in Chicago. I broke us out. It was quite brilliant actually…
Ted is comatose, Harvey is masturbating in the corner. A knock at the door. The door opens, a guard enters.
The guard came into the room, and I flung my seed in his face…
This happens on screen.
I had meticulously timed out the rotation of…
Ted interrupts the flash-back sequence.
I don’t give a shit! I’m pissing blood back here!
The van is rocked once again by a collision.
And what the fuck is going on out there?
We’re being chased by Hillary’s goons. Kind of a fun action car chase thing.
Fun!? And what do you mean Hillary’s goons?
The panel van is being chased by three black SUVs with big bold lettering in yellow on the side ‘FBI’. They ram the van again. The chase passes by a billboard that reads ‘BUY YOUR SWEETIE SOME SWEETS THIS VALENTINES DAY. WITHOUT THE GUILT. VISIT SUGARFREECANDIES.COM’
Ted is rocked again by the impact. He hears a cough and leans over to get a better view of the passenger seat, where he sees TIM, a light-skinned black guy who looks sickly as if he has a bad case of the flu.
Who the fuck is that!?
Ted, this is Tim, Tim, this is Ted.
They halfheartedly wave at each other.
Tim works at the CDC. It’s all connected!
The van makes a pit maneuver and breaks free of its pursuers.
Ted is sitting out the back doors of the panel van. Tim is leaning against the exterior, draped in a blanket, looking pale and sick. Harvey emerges from the store with a pizza in hand.
The only hot and ready they had was deep dish ham and pineapple.
Fuck, I don’t even know the last time I ate solid food, give me a slice.
Harvey opens the box and Ted grabs a slice and begins to devour it. He begins speaking with his mouth full, spitting chunks everywhere.
So what the fuck is up with this Tim guy?
Harvey scuttles to the other side of Ted so Tim can’t hear him and whispers.
George and Hillary, after the Vegas debacle, they decided to weaponize the flu vaccine. You see the flu vaccine carries a dead version of whatever virus the CDC suspects will be most prevalent in a given year. But that’s not what they did this year. This year all the vaccines were for the Russian Flu. Well, all the real vaccines the politicians got anyway, the rest were just sugar water.
You see, Tim here is a diabetic, and after he took the shot he knew his reaction was a diabetic one. So he decided to look into it.
Tim starts shaking uncontrollably.
Turns out all the shots designated for civilians were a sugar placebo. Only a chosen few were given access to the real vaccine against the Russian Flu.
What the hell are you talking about you depraved piece of shit?
Tim collapses into a diabetic coma.
Don’t you get it? The Russians are behind all of it?!
Fuck no! Causing chaos in American politics. When Trump said the election might be rigged, he was called crazy and paranoid. But what happened after Trump won? Hillary said the election was rigged. Now we’ve got Robert Mueller chasing us all the way from Chicago to Florida to shut us up!
TED (holds his hand up)
Give me sec, I need to vomit.
Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be eating solid foods yet.
The camera pulls up in a crane shot as Ted is vomiting and Tim is having a diabetic seizure.
The panel van crashes into the side of high school after suddenly bursting into frame with a passenger side view of the van. It stops with a violent crash. The sliding door on the van opens, Ted and Tim exit through passenger side sliding door, supporting each other. Harvey rushes around, temporarily stopped when his tattered robe is caught on the bumper but fights his way free to help Ted and Tim.
They’re going to be here any second!
Tim coughs up blood.
Wait, this is a high school. I spend a lotta time round these…for business reasons.
They continue to drag each other forward.
If we go in there yelling about guns, they’re gonna lock the place down!
But we ain’t got no guns!
That don’t matter, they hear the word, the place is locked like a nun’s asshole!
Tim coughs up some blood.
It’s worth a try.
Tim, Ted, and Harvey look at each other for a moment.
Fuckit, we ain’t got nothin’ better.
Tim and Harvey drag Ted through the front doors.
I’ve got a gun.
The staff in the hallway continue about their business.
It’s a semiautomatic gun!
The staff screams in terror and scrambles.
CU A BUTTON IS PUSHED.
CU EMERGENCY DOORS SHUT. The school is on LOCKDOWN.
A black van marked FBI in yellow letters screeches to a halt. A hit squad exits the van followed by ROBERT, who exits the van in slow motion, adjusting his impeccable suit, a long-faced man with gray hair and a darkly shadowed face. Still in slow motion Robert and his goon squad pass several Dade County Sheriffs frozen in fear.
Tim and Harvey are dragging Ted down the hall when the door at the far end of the hall is breached with explosives. FBI goons come pouring in followed by Robert.
We can end this peacefully. Just tell everyone you work for the Russians. You helped steal the election.
Harvey stops and turns.
You’re the piece of shit working for the Russians!
That’s not the story the people will hear. And that’s all that matters.
You want to talk about public opinion! I built public opinion for 20 years for you assclowns! And this is the thanks I get!?
The clacking of stupid Hollywood guns being loaded when they already should have, then just before the FBI raid team opens fire, a group of high-school kids walks into the hail of gunfire. Killing the teenagers, but allowing Ted, Tim and Harvey to escape out the other exit.
Harvey and Tim load Ted into an unlocked car in the parking lot.
Tim, do know how to hotwire this?
Why, cuz I’m black?
Well, yeah, and you’re like fucking smart.
TED moans in agony. Tim coughs up some blood.
Yeah, I can do it.
TIM rips apart the steering column and touches two wires together, like in the movies, and the car starts, he gets in the driver’s seat.
Get in bitch! If I’m gonna stereotype I be goin’ all out!
Harvey gets in and the car screams away.