By Not Adahn
Please note that this is not going to be a table of sun signs. That would take too much effort and bore me too much to find anything interesting to say, as the truth1 is that for most signs, absolutely nothing of interest is happening at any given time. There are only seven heavenly bodies that have regular influence and twelve signs. The fact that people have been able to get away with the tabular format for so long is a tribute to the gullibility and innumeracy of the general public. Therefore, I’ll give you insights2 into the celestial influences at large, and let you make your own freely-arrived-at decisions about how to use the information.
Obviously, the sun is in Pisces. The interesting thing is that the moon is in Capricorn. Combining these two means that for the next week or so, glitter-related endeavors have a much higher chance of success. So go ahead and craft or enter that drag contest. Do remember that this is Capricorn we’re talking about, so visits to strip clubs will leave evidence that is more resistant to cleaning than usual.
With Mars in Sagittarius, we have promising signs for bow-hunting. However, since we’re talking Mars and not the Sun (or the moon ascending), this looks more directly related to the Jupiter (retrograde)/Scorpio interaction which means… political assassinations. Yeesh. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you where or who, or if this is a warning or an imperative. 3,4
The big news this week is that we have a conjunction of Mercury and Venus in Ares, which means this is the very best5 time to try sheep-fucking, or if you are already sheep-fucking, to try fucking the other sex of sheep. I am not making this up6, this is what the heavens say. 7
1 For a certain value of “truth” which contains astrology
2 As footnote 1, but for “insights”
3 No, goddammit, this is not a true threat! Put the subpoena down!
4 Other reasonable readings of this would be “the stillbirth of a Kennedy” or “Steve Bannon’s corpse exhumed by a necrophiliac.”
5 “very best” is a relative, not absolute value statement
6 As footnote 1, but for “making this up”
7 If you are already a bisexual oviphile, try a different position this week. You’ll like it.