“‘Gas Killing Animal?’” the hair asked. “Will everyone know that’s Assad?”
“Of course they will,” the hat replied. “He’s an Animal that Killed his own people with Gas. I think that’s very clear. Learn to read for context, dipshit.”
“OK, but why put ‘smart’ in quotes? When you put something in quotes you are implying the opposite, i.e. that the weapons are dumb.”
“I.e? I fucking E? You talk like such a fag.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
“Look,” the hat said, pushing the hair away, “I’m the one tweeting here, so you fuck off.”
“Yes, Donald? You have something to add?” the hat asked.
“Like, what’s it called when you fart in bed, you know, when someone else in the bed and you fart?”
“No, it’s not. That’s a Dutch Oven,” the hair replied.
“Then what’s a Hot Carl?” the hat asked.
“That’s pooping on a girl’s chest,” Donald replied.
“No, that’s a Cleveland Steamer,” the hair said.
“Then what’s a Hot Carl?” the hat asked again.
“That’s putting Saran Wrap over a girl’s face and then pooping on it,” the hair replied.
“Is that right?” Donald asked, confused.
“Holy fuck, just look it up on Urban Dictionary,” the hair said.
“Hold on, one second,” the hat said, furiously typing on Donald’s phone.
“Who writes on this Urban Dictionary? Just black people?” Donald asked.
“No, anybody can write in. It’s just a slang dictionary,” the hair replied.
The hat cackled loudly and there was the noise of another tweet being sent.
“What did you do?” the hair asked.
“Fuck ‘em,” the hat said. “Just let them try and figure that one out.”
“So what is it when you fart in bed?” Donald asked. “Do black people know? Did they put it in their dictionary?”
“That’s a Dutch Oven,” the hair insisted.
“Do black people fart in bed a lot?” Donald wondered.
“Everyone farts in bed,” the hat said. “It’s a universal constant, like the speed of light in a vacuum or Ethan Hawke’s terrible hair.”
“The Urban Dictionary is for everyone, Donald,” the hair said.
“Who is Ethan Hawke?” Donald asked.
“He’s a very dated cultural reference,” the hair said. The hat growled in response.
“So you fart in bed and that’s a Dutch Oven,” Donald said. “What is it when you hold your Meliana under the covers and fart?”
“That’s also a Dutch Oven,” the hair said.
“Or, if you are in England, a Cotswold Bumbershoot,” the hat said. He sent another tweet.
“What is it when you hold your Melania under the covers and fart but instead a lot of poop comes out?” Donald asked.
“Are you feeling, OK, Donald?” the hair asked gently.
“Like, a lot of poop,” Donald continued.
The hat paused briefly and said, “Donald, that’s called a New Jersey Casserole.”