Trump doctor Harold Bornstein says bodyguard, lawyer ‘raided’ his office, took medical files

 

“Whatever happened to doctor/patient confi-fucking-denti-goddamn-ality?!?” Donald roared. “Bornstein fucked me. He jew-fucked me!”

“Goddamn Jew doctors,” the hat commiserated. “I knew he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. We should have taken him to the park and fostered him.”

“And, and, and look,” Donald stuttered, poking the newspaper story repeatedly. “He says I dictated my health letter to him. He says I told him to say my health was ‘astonishingly excellent.’ That doesn’t even sound like me, right? Right, fellas? Like I would tell him to say I would be the healthiest President ever. I’d never say that. It is 100% absolutely true, but I never tell him to say that. Just because I am the healthiest President ever, that doesn’t mean I would boast about it. I’ve never boasted about anything in my entire life. It’s just not me, right?”

“No, Donald. That’s not you at all,” the hair said in a monotone.

Donald switched from the newspaper to the Diet Coke button and began jabbing it repeatedly.

“Where is it?” Donald asked. “I sent for one twenty minutes ago!”

“You already drank it, Donald,” the hair said.

“Well, I want another!” He continued to push the big red button.

“What’s the matter with you?” the hat asked the hair.

“Just, well, you know,” the hair replied listlessly.

“The Bornstein stuff isn’t your fault, you know.”

“Yes, it is. If it wasn’t for me, we would have had to destroy his files.”

Donald screamed and began to slam his fist into the Diet Coke button.

“The records, sure,” the hat said, “But not the letter. I wrote that.”

“But the doctor would have kept quiet if we hadn’t raided his files.” The hair moaned dramatically.

“He told The Jew Nork Times about the Propecia. What if he had released the files about the amounts Donald was getting? Or told them about those gallon jugs of Rogaine we were getting shipped in from Canada before Obamacare?”

“Fucking Obamacare. I need that stuff. Asshole Chicago fuck fucked things up for everyone,” the hair groused.

“The doctor stuff will blow over,” the hat said.

“What if Mueller subpoenas him? What if they get him under oath?” the hat worried.

“What if, what if, what if…” the hat said. “We’ll deal with it when it happens.”

“No human could be using Propecia and Rogaine in those amounts!” the hair said. “What if they figure out about me? What if this cuts off my food supply?”

“WHERE’S MY DIET COKE?!?” Donald yelled.

“Donald will take care of it,” the hat said.

“I NEED MY DIET COKE!”

The hat sighed contentedly. “He’s got everything under control.”