The Hyperbole’s How-to Handbook Chapter One: Pizza Sauce

Is Libertarianism inherently self-reliant? Is Self-reliance inherently Libertarian? To many Glibs the answer to these questions may seem self-evident, obvious, redundant, repetitive even. We are, after all, a hardy lot of DIYers, homebrewers, self-defenders, sausage makers, board-gamers, reloaders, backyard mechanics, at least one diorama-ist, and cranky old get-off-my-lawners. Rugged Individualism, In the original Herbert Hover sense, is the antithesis of governmental paternalism. What could be more Libertarian? However there is another side to self-reliance and libertarianism, most libertarians hold capitalism and a free market in high regard. Comparative advantage, Division of labor, and Economies of scale are prized concepts. Certainly, it is great fun to shame grown men who can’t change a flat tire but is he any less a libertarian because he relies on his cell phone service and the roadside assistance supplied by personally purchased insurance. You may be thinking “okay Hyp, maybe libertarianism doesn’t require strict self-reliance, but self-reliant people are going to lean towards libertarian, its a common characteristic” Possibly, but it’s not that hard to imagine an off-the-grid, self-composting-toilet-using, chicken-raising, self-sustaining hippie-type that would be more than happy to have the government force the rest of us to live by their rules in a misguided attempt to save the planet, some endangered timberdoodle, or what not. Self Reliance while noble and to a point worth encouraging is not inherently libertarian and vice-versa. So take heart whether you Angus MacGuyver your pizza sauce from homegrown maters squeezed through the casing of a Bic pen and simmered over a solar oven made of used tin foil and roach clips, or, like Al Czervik in the Brushwood pro shop, (or should that be Thorton Melon at the Grand Lakes University bookstore) you use your vast wealth to buy the finest of the 23 types of pizza sauce that no one needs for yourself and all your friends, you can still hold your libertarian head high. As for me, when I can, this is how I’m gonna do it.

The Hyperbole’s Unaliterated Pizza Sauce

Steps 1 – 4

Step 1. Plant and harvest 4-5 lbs of San Marzano Tomatoes and 4 or 5 large chile peppers of the ‘not melt your face’ variety. (For more info on growing said fruits see Chapter Four: Gardening) Rinse and slice tomatoes lengthwise, check for nasty stuff, these were pristine.

Step 2. Heat over low heat, stirring for about 10 minutes, or until the skins start to loosen up.

Step 3. Run tomatoes through the food mill that you use once a year, use a medium-sized sieve.

Step 4. (not shown) You’ve got enough to clean up already so put your milled tomato sauce in the fridge, wash up then walk down to the bar and grill for a mushroom bacon swiss burger, a few Strohs, and to ineffectually and awkwardly chat up the waitresses.

Step 5. The next evening get your shit together, tomato sauce, onions, mushrooms, garlic, peppers, red wine, and chicken thighs some sausage and some chunks of pork.

Step 6. Brown meats in oil in your heavy duty stock pot.

Step 7. Slice up about this many onions, mushrooms, and peppers.

Step 8. Mince up this much garlic.

Steps 5 – ?

Steps 9 – ?

Step 9. Remove your meat. add Onions and Mushrooms (add more oil if needed)

Step 10. When onions and mushrooms are soft, stir in garlic

Step 11. Before garlic burns add enough wine to deglaze the pot, return your meats.

Step 12. Add tomato sauce and peppers, simmer til meats are done or longer, just don’t let the chicken get to falling apart stage.

Step 13. Make some pasta.

Step 14. Remove your meats again.

Step 15. Reserve sauce

Step 16. Serve up meats and some sauce on pasta with grated parmesan. Eat with bread used to ‘clean’ pot.

Step 17. Stick your stick blender in the sauce and stick blend it to pizza sauce like consistency.

Step 18. Divide sauce into ~6oz. portions and freeze what you’re not going to use right away.

Steps 14 – ?

Time: 3 months 2 days and 45 mins give or take.

Difficulty: Meh

Yield: 1 Mushroom swiss burger, 2-4 servings of cacciatore, 48-60oz. pizza sauce.

Et voilà!