And this is the state of the Illinois Libertarian Party. It’s a morning radio show.

Gooooood morning, you delightful people! Welcome back to Ball, Bubba, Kash and Mike. We’re back, and we’ve been talking about the #1 search phrase on PornHub last week: it was a split between “costume+anal” and “pumpkin fuck.” What does that mean for America, Bubba?

I think it’s obvious, Mike, America is obsessed with butt-fucking pumpkins. By the way, it’s currently 68° at 7:58 in Chicagoland. And try to avoid the Jane Addams this morning- an overturned tractor-trailer has spilled 3000 pounds of frozen pierogies into the center lane, and wow, it’s a real mess! Let’s go to our next caller who’s been patiently waiting. 

And speaking of a real mess, the birthday list for today is absolutely pathetic. When the best you can come up with is Ralph Macchio and Kathy Griffen, then seriously, don’t be born on November 4. OK, one exception, maybe: SP’s favorite football player of all time, Vince Wilfork.

Let’s get to the news.

Or in this case, non-news. Remember the hoo-hah a few days ago about antisemitic graffiti at a Brooklyn Jewish community center? The outrage was plastered everywhere. And the perp was caught but for some weird reason, this news was nearly buried. And no wonder. This was NOT a planned part of the narrative- the perp is black, gay, a Team Blue activist and campaign volunteer, “pet” of the NY City Council. All of which took a lot of concerted digging to find out, since it doesn’t fit the narrative. I can’t imagine why people don’t trust the news media. Personally, I thought the back story from last year was very interesting and revealing.

Months before that birthday, a Brooklyn couple learned about the possibility of fostering him. The couple, Josh Waletzky and Jenny Levison, said they had wanted to foster an “L.G.B.T.Q. youth” on the brink of aging out of the system. Children’s Aid, one of the eight beneficiary organizations of The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund, took over Mr. Polite’s case in early 2013 and facilitated the placement. Although Mr. Polite was not legally adopted — his relationship with his biological parents has improved in recent years — Ms. Levison called it a “moral adoption.” He says he considers the couple his second set of parents.

But good luck finding any real coverage of this in WaPo, CNN, NYT, and the other usual suspects. But honestly, I feel sorry for that kid. He had a very tough and unstable life, then fell into the hands of a couple of leftist Jews who wanted the combination of tax break, no responsibility for actually raising a kid, and a gold-plated social signal. Shit, that would have turned me into an antisemite as well. I’m normally of the bent of “you do something, it’s your responsibility, not anyone else’s.” But this one’s completely on you, Josh and Jenny.

On the lighter side, dog bites man isn’t news. Man bites dog is. But dog shoots man is definitely news.

Investigators believe that Charlie, a 120-pound Rottweiler mix, slipped and got his paw caught in the trigger of the gun and fired a shot at his unsuspecting owner. “The gun was positioned in the truck with the barrel facing up, towards Mr. Gilligan,” Doña Ana County Sheriff’s spokeswoman Kelly Jameson told ABC News.

The dog owner, who first told officers he had accidentally shot himself, said he had long forgiven Charlie. “Charlie did not mean to do it,” he said. ”He’s a good dog.”

If I were a lawyer, I’d represent that dog pro bono. “Because he’s a good boy, yes he is, Your Honor.”

Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house… well, you don’t even have to leave the house to risk severe injury from the latest discovered threat: instant ramen!

The soups cause about one in five childhood scald burns, according to research to be presented Monday at the American Academy of Pediatrics National Conference. Those findings have led some experts to question the safety of the meals, which often come in microwavable cups.

“It’s important for us to remember, and for parents to remember, that these are just thin containers with boiling water in them,” said Dr. Courtney Allen, a pediatric emergency fellow at Emory University who led the research. “I think there’s an assumption that these are safer than soups coming out of a stove,” she said, “when, in fact, they’re not.”

But of course, where there’s a problem and lawyers, there’s an answer.

In a 2006 study published in the Journal of Burn Care and Research, [Dr. David] Greenhalgh looked at the stability of instant soup containers and found that taller and thinner cups were easier to tip than shorter, stockier ones. Those findings could have implications for manufacturers hoping to reduce the risk of product-related burns.

“What (companies) should do is make them like the Yoplait (yogurt) containers, where they’re wider at the bottom and thinner at the top,” Greenhalgh said. “It would be a very simple thing to design and change.”

Translation: “My expert witness fee is $500 per hour.” Prepare for lawsuits, more useless warning labels, and reformulations so that your ramen can be prepared and served at a nice, safe, lukewarm temperature. And as I write this, I’m having a delicious breakfast of Sapporo Ichiban Miso Ramen, served extra hot, with an egg dropped in it to set (which requires the soup to be just barely under the boiling point). Of course, I am wearing full PPE gear in accordance with the MSDS.

It’s unseemly of me to find this story (and the accompanying video) hilariously funny, but I do.

An intern for Democratic Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum has been arrested and charged with battery after she threw chocolate milk on a group of College Republicans tabling on campus. [Groucho Marx impressionist Shelby] Shoup threw her drink on SFU College Republicans Vice-Membership Chair, Daisy Judge, and when another student passing by tried to de-escalate the situation, she threw the remainder of her drink on him, according to a statement released by the College Republicans at FSU.

“You are supporting Nazis,” Shoup said in the video posted online. “Do you understand that?”

The lesson here: We are, as a nation, in urgent need of common sense chocolate milk control. There’s no reason for civilians to be able to possess assault dairy products.

Old Guy Music, and it’s a sad one today. My favorite living trumpet player is now no longer living. Roy Hargrove died this week at the unconscionably early age of 49. Here is his version of the gorgeous elegy for another trumpeter that we lost too early. Yes, I know, it’s a flugelhorn, but that’s the right tone for this piece and, holy fuck, the solos he takes are mind-blowingly beautiful and virtuoso.