Florida Man needed a straw to finish his weather control device and he needed it nearly as badly as he needed a couple drinks to take the edge off of what must have been a legendary New Years Eve party, judging from the fact that he was wearing someone else’s clothes, his sinuses were still firing meth highs every time he sniffled, and he’d started on Boxing Day. What had begun as simple party with his minions to celebrate the new weather machine design had… Well, he wasn’t sure, but either they’d be zapping him with one of his own brain scramblers, or he hadn’t drawn a sober breath in a week.

Be that as it may, Florida Man was going to start 2019 right. This would be the year that he finally completed something that worked. His weather machine had the ability to steer hurricanes towards… well anything really, but he was pretty sure there were some developers that would pay big money to get in on the ground floor of government redevelopment grants and a shot at commercial insurance fraud. Plus, he had several municipalities that he owed vengeance. And all he needed to complete it was one plastic straw.

“Gimme a tall drink with a plastic straw,” he told the girl behind the register.

“Ain’t got no plastic straws as of today.”

“What, like, you’re out?”

“No, dude. City passed a law. No more plastic straws. We don’t give ’em out no more starting today so the owner can sound like he gives a shit at the Chamber of Commerce meetings.”

This couldn’t be. He needed a straw. Nobody was going to stand in his way this time. Even yuppie St. Pete wouldn’t do that. That’s stupid. Even a bunch of mouth-breathers like the St. Pete City Council wouldn’t do that! This woman was obviously associated with his ex-wife and former co-conspirator (unindicted) Florida Woman. That bitch was always trying to ruin his life.

He would make her give him a goddamn straw!

Okay, next time he would send a minion to go get the straw. That counter girl was tiny… but fierce! Those sharp little knuckles really did a number on him.