Outside the Lincoln Memoral, Washington DC, January 19, 2019:

“Help a furloughed government worker?”

“Help a furloughed government worker?”

”Yeah I saw you looking at me!  I know you have spare change!  Where you going?  He’s coming for you too!  He’ll rape you and your planet!”

No. Not me. I got my suit from Woolworth’s, and damnit, I look pretty damn good.

Imagine if you will, a man in a cheap suit sitting in front of the crowded Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.  He claims to be a furloughed government worker, with his agency no longer funded due to the government shut down.  The man, in a cheap suit not because he is frugal, but because he is grossly underpaid and under appreciated by the very people he has sworn to protect.  Now imagine him heavily addicted to nicotine, and highly depedent upon alcohol but now has no per diem for the travel he did on behalf of Uncle Sam.  He has no way to pay for his bad habits, and no reason to believe anyone cares for him.  He sits in front of a crowded Lincoln Memorial, a site many of you once visited, and held in awe of the awesome specacle that is the memorial.  

“SPACE SMITH is coming, he is coming for you!”


He speaks in awkward phrases and tells people government secrets he is no longer paid to protect.

”The rock floating in space, Oumaumua, is no rock!  Its a spaceship with an ancient evil coming in to rape our very existence!”

He’s not a madman.   Imagine this is a broken man, with no reason to continue on with his existence in this world.  Telling the world the truth behind the things the government does not wish for you and I to know.

”SPACE SMITH will rape you all if you don’t give me a cigarette!”

A Good Samaritan in a MAGA hat gives him a cigarette.

”Thank you, could you spare a light?  I traded away the last of my matches because I ran out of money.  Government shutdown and all.  HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?  You can’t leave me here without a light.  SPACE SMITH IS COMING.  He’s been on Earth before!”

He yells constantly, but others won’t listen.  His fantastic claims of grand conspiracies, meaningless job titles, and special discounted rates for government employee’s at your local Marriott go dismissed by the passers by.

“Please donate your spare change…SPACE SMITH RAPED THE MOON! Give me your change or he’ll stick his big, fat, quantum tallywhacker inside your planet!”

Imagine still, in spite of everything we just witnessed, this wasn’t the stupidest thing that happened that cold January day in front of the Lincoln Memorial.