Recorded from Durham University institute for Computational Cosmology—March 2018
“This is absolutely amazing.” Kegerreirris exclaimed.
He raced through the lab shouting happily as he finally found evidence to support his theory of Uranus.
”Cue the Ron Paul GIF. ITS HAPPENING!”
He continued running and slapped an unsuspecting graduate student in her supple behind. Recognizing his mistake, he quickly to found a male grad student and slapped his behind as well.
”What are you doing professor?” The female grad student asked incredulously.
“Um…Never mind that! I finally solved the riddle to Uranus!” Kegerreirris shouted. Echoing through the crowded hallway.
“My what?” The female grad student asked.
“Uranus!” Kegerreirris replied.
”Her’s may be, but there is no riddle with mine.” The male grad student said. Writing his Twitter handle on Kegerreirris‘ hand.
”You best be very careful about what you say next, professor.” The female grad student said, while clutching the electronic #metoo alert hanging from a chain around her neck.
“We performed a series of hydrodynamic simulations from a deep impact to Uranus. The data suggests the impact to Uranus is the reason Uranus tumbles instead of rotate.” Kegerreirris explained.
”It doesn’t tumble you sicko!” The female grad student began to hit the #metoo alert around her neck furiously. “You all saw what this member of the patriarchy did!”
“No seriously. A deep impact on Uranus is the reason it has such an unusual movement. None like any other body in the solar system. I have a graphic here on my phone. See?”
She began hitting the button on the #metoo alert as fast as she could.
”Alright I think we’ve all seen enough.” A man in a cheap suit walked out from a shadowy corner of the lab. He had a slightly tallow tint to the baggy skin hanging around his neck. Smoking a cigarette in one hand. “Nothing here happened. You didn’t see anything in the simulations, that guy didn’t just flirt with you, and this guy didn’t walk up and slap your fat ass.”
”Of course he did. He did it in front of everyone. He was about to rape me!” The female grad student began shouting over the cigarette smoking man.
”Okay, you need to slow your roll there, sugar tits. The only thing that got raped was Uranus.” He began again.
”Exactly! He wanted to—“
The pudgy, cigarette smoking man reached into his sweaty jacket and pulled out a TASER and stuck the prongs into her thigh.
She stopped yelling.
”You know, they say Kegelciser—“
“Kegerreirris. Dr. Kegerreirris.”
”I don’t like that name. You’re now Dr. Kegelciser unless you fail to keep this quiet. Now as I was saying. They say you need to aim for the a large muscle group. Its always the chunky ones that make it difficult to determine that. Is the thigh meaty, flabby, a bit of both—mmmm.” He took a long drag of the cigarette and put it out on the laboratory floor. “You are going to do something for me. You see your research comes dangerously close to something we’ve been tracking for a long time. You found evidence it can rape planet sized objects. We need you to keep this quiet or I am going to have to take you back to the National Archives with sugar tits over here. Capice?”
”So what do I say happened to Uranus?” Kegerreirris asked.
”The world cannot know of the truth behind SPACE SMITH. Just say it was a rock or something.”
End Recoding ring