ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IN ORDER TO ENSURE NO CHOSEN ONES STRAY FROM THE TRUE PATH (THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL, GO FORTH AND KILL) – ZARDOZ FINDS IT NECESSARY TO CORRECT THE ADVICE GIVING BRUTAL DEAR ABBY, ONCE AGAIN.
Q:I am having issues with a friend who gets handed most everything he wants. I had to grow up when I was very young, pay my own way for things and take care of myself. I work three jobs to pay my rent in a house with four other people while still pursuing my passion.
This friend is unemployed. He lives in an apartment his parents pay for and goes on frequent road trips. I have reached a point where I have become seriously envious, and I’m not sure how to stop feeling frustrated that he has an easier life than I do.
I care about our friendship, but it’s physically painful sometimes when he talks about these luxuries that I can’t afford. Should I cut off the relationship? Is this something I should talk about with him or something I need to work on myself? — ENVIOUS IN NEW YORK
A: UNEMPLOYED YOU SAY? ZARDOZ CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT… PROVIDE COORDINATES FOR THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. THEY WILL ROUND UP YOUR LUXURY SPOILED FRIEND AND PUT HIM TO WORK IN THE GRAIN FIELDS OF THE VORTEX!
THEN YOU CAN SEIZE THE LAZY AND RICH FRIEND’S WORLDLY GOODS AND DWELLING. SEE, ISN’T ENVY AND THEFT PROFITABLE? OH, AND “PURSUING YOUR PASSION” HAD BEST NOT INVOLVE ANY OF THIS…
OR YOU WILL BE NEXT! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: I have a friend I’ll call Layla. Her best friend, “Matt,” raped her. She doesn’t want to tell anyone, but I think she needs to. She told me Matt has done it multiple times. I love her, and I don’t want it to keep happening because she’s an amazing person.
Her life isn’t going well, either. Her mom has stage 4 colon cancer and is in her final year. Her stepdad isn’t the best person, and Layla has a disease herself. I’m really worried about her. What should I do? — STANDING BY IN OREGON
A: HOW MANY TIMES MUST ZARDOZ REPEAT THIS – THE PENIS IS EVIL! “MATT” NEEDS TO BE CLEANSED…LIKE ALL OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. ZED SAYS HE CAN HANDLE THIS ONE HIMSELF.
SHOULD THIS “MATT” ESCAPE WHILE ZED IS ON THE WAY. ZARDOZ CAN CALL FRIEND STEVE SMITH – FOR HE IS AN INESCAPABLE TRACKER.
ALSO, “MATT” WOULD GET A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE, IFYKWZMAITYD.
AS FOR “LAYLA”, SHE SOUNDS LIKE ONE BROKEN BRUTAL – AS ZARDOZ IS HERE TO HELP, HE WILL SALVAGE YOUR FRIEND. ZARDOZ GRACIOUSLY GRANTS HER TWO OPTIONS:
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.