ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. NOW THAT ORDER HAS RETURNED TO THE CHOSEN ONES INTERNET HQ, ZARDOZ WILL ONCE AGAIN PROVIDE THE BEST ADVICE AVAILABLE – FAR BETTER THAN THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY“. THEREFOR RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
Q: I’m a high school junior, and my school’s prom is coming up. I don’t have a date. I completely understand that I don’t need a date for prom to have fun. However, within my group of friends, we are organizing who will sit at our 18-person table, and I’m the only dateless person at our table, which means I’m the odd one out (eight couples plus me for a total of 17 seats filled).
I know I should try to have fun even if I’m the only one by myself, but the situation makes me feel so alone. I asked two different guys if they wanted to go with me: One ended up going with a different girl and will be sitting at our table. The other didn’t want to go with me.
How should I handle this situation and be able to have fun at prom, even though I’ll be sticking out as the only person in our entire group who couldn’t manage to find someone to go with — even as a friend? — ANONYMOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
A: THIS IS A PUZZLER. HOWEVER, ZARDOZ HAS A PLAN FOR YOU. FIRST, YOU MUST CLEANSE THE FILTH OF A BRUTAL WHO REFUSED YOU.
THEN YOU CAN JOIN EVERYONE ELSE AT THE TABLE.
WHEN THE OTHER OTHERS GO TO DANCE – AND THE ONE WITH THE CLEANSED DATE SEARCHES – POISON THEIR DRINKS. YOUR FUN WILL BE IN SEEING THEM ALL SUFFER HORRIBLY AND PERISH! THAT WILL INSTRUCT ALL TO NEITHER REFUSE YOU OR REMIND YOU OF SUCH.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN
Q: I have been married to my husband for four years, and before that, I knew him for about a year. At the time, he was very loving and considerate, but right after we got married, his true nature emerged.
He drinks heavily every night and says horrible things. In the morning, he has no recollection of it and expects me to be loving and warm to him. I can’t bring myself to do it. He is always accusing me of cheating on him, even though I have given him no reason. He has a GPS on my phone, and if I don’t answer his texts or calls immediately, he goes ballistic.
Abby, I’m not happy and have often thought about running away. During the day he helps me, but at night he becomes a completely different person. I have a full-time job and pay 85 percent of the bills. I take care of the kids, cook and clean, but nothing makes him happy. I would really appreciate your advice. — LOST IN CALIFORNIA
A: BRUTAL, PLEASE. IT WOULD BE TOO EASY TO SAY “DIVORCE”. SO ZARDOZ WILL HELP OUT. ZED WILL COME BY AND HAVE A LITTLE “CHAT” WITH YOUR BRUTAL HUSBAND.
AS ZARDOZ DOES NOT BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES, THE FIRST TIME YOUR HUSBAND ACTS UP – COMMUNICATE WITH THE VORTEX. BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS WILL BE DISPATCHED. YOUR HUSBAND CAN DRY OUT, AND LEARN REGRET SERVING THE ETERNALS AS A GRAIN SLAVE.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN