After some discussion here at Glib’s HQ, we decided to let the cryptids sort out who would do tonight’s advice column. As they could not agree, they decided to split it three ways. One bit of advice from each… we salute this solution, and the sharing of the article. If not, we feared a struggle that might have damaged the place even more than the takeover last month. So, with that behind us, enjoy the advice! First up, ZARDOZ:
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS SELECTED THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY” TO DEFEAT IN ADVICE GIVING. THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE!
Q: My husband likes to wear my underwear, and it grosses me out. He knows I don’t approve and promises he won’t do it again, but he does. I can’t even stand to look at him. What should I do? — DISTURBED IN TEXAS
A: IT IS FORTUNATE FOR YOU, BRUTAL, THAT ZARDOZ HAS COME ACROSS THIS BEFORE:
DO NOT WORRY, IT WAS SIMPLY A PHASE, AND ZED GOT OVER IT…
SAY, IS THAT AN ETERNAL WAVING TO US OVER THERE? *FLIES FROM ROOM*
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
… OK. Well, that was different. On to the next advice giver, our own STEVE SMITH:
STEVE SMITH HERE, GIVE GOODEST ADVICE! HIM SMART AND KNOW HOW SOLVE PROBLEM. USUALLY INVOLVE RAPING PROBLEM UNTIL GO AWAY. BUT HIM TRY GIVE ADVICE TO SILLY HOOMANS. AT LEAST DO BETTER DEAR PRUDENCE!
Q: I’ve been arguing with my boyfriend of a year over the state of his bathroom since we’ve been dating. I’m grossed out by it. He doesn’t seem to mind that there are always beard trimmings on the surfaces where I like to put my makeup on in the morning, a floor I can’t step on with bare feet, and stray pubic hairs and stains in the toilet. He argues that he’s not the only one who uses that bathroom and his roommate is the main cause of the mess. I don’t doubt this because my boyfriend’s room is always clean, and the rest of the house isn’t too bad either, but his roommate is like a tornado. My boyfriend doesn’t want to be the one cleaning up someone else’s mess, which I get. I also understand that it’s a dingy old house, so to some extent it will never be truly clean. But that doesn’t change the fact that someone should be cleaning the bathroom at least, say, once a month.
This has been at a stalemate for a while now. He’ll say I barely spend the night at his place (which is true), and I’ll ask when the last time he cleaned the bathroom was, and he’ll just roll his eyes. I’m seriously considering just not coming over to his place until he does it. I’ve threatened that before but never really followed through. We’re both fed up with this situation.
A: STEVE SMITH UNDERSTAND. HIM LIKE KEEP CAVE CLEAN. HIM GO IN WOODS, NO IN CAVE! TRY TELL ROOMMATE GO OUTSIDE AND BE DIRTY. IF HIM NO AGREE, THERE THREE THINGS CAN DO; 1) HIT ROOMMATE ON HEAD WITH BIG ROCK.
2) HAVE STEVE SMITH COME ASK POLITE, “PLEASE CLEAN”. BY ASK POLITE, MEAN RAPE.
3) HIRE CLEAN SERVICE. STEVE SMITH KNOW GOOD ONE.
HOPE ADVICE HELP!
Uhhh, yeah. Thanks for that great advice, STEVE. That leaves us with our last advice, from SEA SMITH:
SEA SMITH WANT HELP ADVICE! HE GOOD GIVER ADVICE. HE CHOOSE SILLY LAND HOOMAN ADVICE “DEAR DEIDRE“.
Q: I CAUGHT my girlfriend having sex in the bar loos with a guy she had only just met. Should I even try to get over this or is she just a cheap slut? I am 25 and my girlfriend is 24. We have been together for two years. I took her to Amsterdam recently for her birthday. We went to a bar the second evening and we were having a great time. My girlfriend said we should take it in turns to go to the toilet and if we went outside for a smoke, just in case we had our drinks spiked, which seemed to make sense. We got into company later that evening with a table of young men. My girlfriend was very chatty with the guy who was sitting beside her. I went to the toilet and when I came back to our table said I was going outside for a cigarette. While I was outside I looked back through the window at her. She saw me and looked annoyed so I walked out of sight for around five minutes. When I returned to the table, she had disappeared and so had the guy she had been talking to. I was a bit suspicious so I went to the toilets – unisex – and started checking the cubicles. I was really quiet. I heard noises from inside one. It was just movements, no conversation or any other sounds. I waited about three minutes and then pulled the door handle. The door flew open and there was my girlfriend inside with the guy she’d been chatting to. He was up against the wall and she was in front of him. She pulled her jeans up from both sides and panicked when she saw me. I swore at her and ran off in temper. She ran after me yelling and angry. Now she is telling me she has no memory of that evening and has sworn to me she loves me and would not have done it if she’d been in her right mind.
I love her and I don’t know what to think.
A: IT HURT! NOT YOU PROBLEM, SEA SMITH SIDES FROM LAUGH SO MUCH! OW, OW, OW!
HER SOUND SO EASY, NOT EVEN SEA SMITH WOULD RAPE. SEA SMITH HAVE SOME STANDARD! ONLY PART YOU SAY MAKE SENSE “I don’t know what to think”. SEA SMITH NOT SURE SILLY LAND HOOMAN CAN THINK. SEA SMITH SAY SWIM, SWIM AWAY FAST AS CAN. IF DO NOT, THEN FIND HER SPAWN WITH OTHER LAND HOOMANS MORE.
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!