Hello, and welcome to episode 2 of Woke Charmed! If your brains weren’t bleeding already, they will be by the end of this!
We start out in the Generic Science Lab where in our last episode, the demon Taydeus met his foul end. (I forgot to mention this in the last recap, but the spell the girls used to destroy Taydeus was a bunch of garbled “Latin” that Number.6 kindly translated for me: “Your fear of Strong Women will be your undoing.” NOPE, NOT JOKING.) A janitor is mopping the floor and notices some sort of black blob on a nearby tray, which appears to be moving. The blob comes to life, attacking the janitor, going into her chest like it’s going to possibly possess her, then changes its mind, jumping out of her chest, and slithering into an air vent.
The episode then cuts to the sisters’ attic, where they are still sitting around the Ouija board that warned them about Harry at the end of the last episode. Harry appears behind them—apparently whenever they say his name, it summons him. They jabber some excuse and he tells them that he will be on his way, but to please call him if they notice any signs of demonic activity, which includes fog, cold patches, random dog fornication, and presidential tweets. He also notices the Ouija board on the table and tells them they should leave it alone, due to the fact that spirit boards are notoriously vulnerable to demonic manipulation.
After the title card, Macy begins moving her things into the house, where she is apparently going to be living in their dead mom’s room. Maggie tells her that she’s completely welcome and that it’s not weird for her to take over their mom’s room, and then proceeds to forbid her from moving anything in the entire room. One of the objects Macy isn’t allowed to touch is a vividly painted bong, which apparently Maggie made for their mom when she was eight because they had a perfectly normal childhood. Throughout this scene of sisterly hijinks, Macy and Mel show off their powers while Maggie sulks that mindreading is a sucky power.
Mel then starts telling her sisters what she’s learned about spirit boards in the Book of Shadows. The book says that they’re a legitimate means of communicating with the spirit world, but Macy is still inclined to believe what Harry warned them. Being a Scientist, she decrees that they need to find Objective Evidence about the spirit board’s veracity. The Book of Shadows (or, as Maggie dubs it, “Magical Siri lol I’m a millennial I use technologyyyy”) opens to a page about truth serums. Mel thinks the truth serum is unnecessary because, being Mel, she immediately is jumping to the wrong conclusion. (This isn’t a spoiler, right? Like, we all already know how this is going to go.) She’s on Team Mom Is In The Ouija Board, Macy is on Team Harry Is Telling The Truth, which leaves Maggie as tiebreaker. Maggie sides with Macy, sending Mel into a classic fit of rage.
Macy and Maggie begin working on the truth serum while Mel rages. Maggie decrees that until they figure out whether he’s evil or not, Harry’s code name will be Meghan Markle. Get it? Because Harry is British, just like Prince Harry? Get it? Get it? Is this thing on?
Maggie then puts on a pair of gloves in the hopes of blocking her mindreading powers and heads off to a Kappa pledge event, in which they… are… visiting Mysterious Coma Girl (the witness from the first episode who wasn’t able to testify against Professor Rapey McRaperton because of her coma) in the hospital. This seems like an appropriate pledge event for a sorority that Coma Girl wasn’t even a member of. Regina George immediately zeroes in on the gloves and is a predictable bitch about them. And guess what! The gloves don’t even work. She takes Mysterious Coma Girl’s hand and her mind is filled with screaming.
At the Generic Science Lab, Macy is attempting to steal ingredients for the truth serum when she’s interrupted by Friendzone, who works there I guess? He tells her he’s been added to her team by the new person in charge of the project (I have literally no idea what’s going on in this lab), since Professor McRaperton resigned the day after getting reinstated—how weird, right? So weird. He also mentions the janitor who got attacked by the mysterious black blob the night before, which makes the processor in Macy’s brain start clicking and whirring. She grabs an empty test tube and scrapes residue from the black blob off the air vent.
The scene switches and suddenly… Maggie is making out with her ex-boyfriend? What? Did I miss a scene here? She tells him she needs him for stress-relief sex, but they are NOT back together, all right? But she can hear his thoughts, which makes properly getting off difficult, since his thoughts careen wildly from boobs boobs boobs to some other girl’s chin mole to broccoli farts to I love her so much I have to get her back. Is this truly the inner workings of the mind of an American male? The world may never know.
Mel is also planning some stress-relief scissoring with her ex, who I guess isn’t her ex anymore. While they work out the details of their lunch date, the Ouija board starts talking to Mel, who it definitely hasn’t figured out is the easiest mark in the house. It spells out “Melly,” which is PROOF! that it’s their mom’s spirit because that was her nickname for Mel! Duh!
Macy goes to the hospital, conveniently attached to the university (have I mentioned that Hilltowne appears to be a college campus, some houses and a police station? That’s IT in the entire town), to check on the janitor. She finds Harry doing some kind of magic to the janitor, which could be shady or innocuous. He explains that he was wiping the woman’s memory about the demon attack at the lab. Macy decides to not tell him about the black blob or the test tube sample.
Maggie comes home screeching about how sex has been ruined for her forever to find Mel being conned by Miss Cleo at the Ouija board. She knows it’s their mom! She knows!! It has to be!!!
In a moment of weakness, Maggie decides to sit down and have a chat with the board as well. Macy comes in like, “Dude, what the fuck?” but is interrupted by an arm shooting out from the board and grabbing Maggie around the wrists. Macy uses her powers to launch the board across the room, freeing Maggie from the arm, but also breaking the board. Mel goes predictably apeshit.
While Mel searches through the Book of Shadows for a way to repair the board, Macy tells her and Maggie about the janitor attack at the lab. She says she believes Harry was telling the truth and that the spirit board’s activities could be related to the demon. She wants to show Harry the test tube with the black blob sample. Mel argues that she doesn’t trust Harry (presumably because he’s a cis male) and that she trusts that the board is really their mom. Macy says she doesn’t want to do anything until they give Harry the truth serum, which she has prepared and stored in a silver Thermos. Mel accuses her of being a heartless bitch who doesn’t love their mother. Macy retorts that she is a Scientist who is objective enough to analyze data.
Their argument is interrupted by the appearance of Mel’s girlfriend (Niko), who has brought sub sandwiches and some tea in a silver Thermos.
I BET YOU CAN’T GUESS
She introduces herself to Macy, who sets her Thermos down on the table to shake hands with her. When Macy leaves, GUESS WHOSE THERMOS SHE TAKES???
Maggie says she will also be on her way, telling Mel that she’s going to look for a way to fix their mom’s s—ssssssewing machine! Niko is surprised that Mel is interested in taking up sewing, and Mel coolly informs her that she’s come to realize that not all domestic tasks are oppressive.
Real dialogue alert: That was the real dialogue.
Niko is so pleased by this that she gives Mel a gift: an original 1987 pressing of The Cure’s Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, still sealed in plastic. The reaction Mel has to this is so incredibly fake that it gave me the fits. She instantly recognized what it was (some bitch could give me a sealed ABBA record and it would still take me a minute to figure out what I’m looking at) and was just like, “Aw, you shouldn’t have,” in this fake-ass voice like Britney Spears in “Oops! I Did It Again.” (Once I figured out what I was looking at, you can bet I would be screaming and jumping around clutching my ABBA record to my chest.)
Niko’s pager goes off and she has to return to the station, leaving Mel with her undeserved gift. Mel tells her to bring her handcuffs later (>insert stock “bow-chicka-wow-wow”) and after some more gratuitous lesbian liplocking, Niko leaves with the Thermos.
While waiting for Harry to arrive, Macy is on the phone with Friendzone talking about work stuff. Macy comments that it sounds loud on his end and he says everyone is freaking out because apparently the janitor has died. Macy gasps and Harry walks in holding GODDAMN ROYAL DOULTON (but no hand-painted periwinkles) BECAUSE HE’S BRITISH IN CASE YOU FORGOT! THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A CUPPA! Harry brought china and Macy brought tea in a plastic Thermos.
Meanwhile, at the Hilltowne police station, Detective Niko begins making an ass out of herself during an interrogation. BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING! Such lovable hijinks on this show.
At the college, Macy waits for the truth serum to take effect on Harry. She’s going to be waiting for a while.
At the house, Mel and Maggie are trying to fix the Ouija board. Maggie feels bad that they fought with Macy. Mel doesn’t give a flying fuck.
Mel’s phone rings. It’s Niko, and she’s yelling everything that comes into her mind at the top of her lungs. Mel realizes she must have gotten the truth serum and runs to the station to collect her before she can do any more damage. On their way out the door, Niko yells at a man for sexually harassing his partner (who’s also a man, I guess she figures that gay guys, being cis males, can be sexual harassers too) and at another cop for microaggressing her by assuming she’s Chinese when she’s JAPANESE GODDAMIT!
Niko then informs Mel that she slept with her ex-fiancee while they were broken up. WHILE THEY WERE BROKEN UP. Mel blows a goddamn gasket and tells her that she doesn’t want that Cure album if it was just a guilt present, and she and Niko break up… again.
(BTW, I am astounded at all that Niko has managed to accomplish in her life. She looks like she’s 23 years old and she’s already a police detective and has been engaged, broken up with that fiancee, and been dating someone else long-term. Talk about an overachiever.)
Back at the house, Maggie has fixed the Ouija board and Regina George starts cuntily texting her. Maggie starts crying and says she wishes her mom could help her. The Ouija board comes to life and spells out Release me.
When Mel gets home, they follow the Ouija board’s instructions and perform a spell that breaks all the mirrors in the house. Their mom’s figure emerges from the board. They embrace, and she asks where Macy is. They say she’s with Harry, and their “mom” tells them that the reason she warned them not to trust Harry is because he’s the one who killed her, and he’s planning to kill them to take their powers.
At the campus, Macy, expecting the truth serum to have taken effect by now, asks Harry if he killed the janitor. Harry evades the question and asks her what she and her sisters are up to. Her phone starts going off with rapid-fire texts from Mel and Maggie telling her to come home now, don’t trust Harry, etc. Harry menacingly grabs her and they apparate to the sisters’ attic.
Harry sees the Ouija board on the table and asks what the girls did. He turns and sees their “mom” standing there. He tries to attack her, but Mel, who learned her social skills from Mags Visaggio, hits him over the head with a heavy object, knocking him cold.
Their “mom” has a moment with Macy while Harry lies unconscious on the floor. She tells them that the sisters have to retrieve the Prism of Souls, which Harry has hidden somewhere, which is the only thing that can protect them from him. They deduce that it’s hidden inside the antique mirror in their mom’s old office. The sisters hug their “mom” before they leave, and Maggie notices that she can’t read her “mom’s” thoughts.
The mirror has Latin inscribed on the rim. Mel pulls out her phone to translate it, but Macy, without a moment’s hesitation, tells them it means “The only way out is together.” When Maggie and Mel look at her in surprise, she says, “What? I’m a Scientist.” LMAO okay, we must live on Gilligan’s Island where the Professor is an expert in literally everything.
The three pass through the mirror into another dimension filled with thousands of mirrors. They have to find the right one to get the prism and get out. As I’m sure you can deduce, they do this by using the Power of Three. Maggie is hesitant because she’s starting to have her doubts that their “mom” is really their mom, but Mel screeches at her that MAJORITY RULES, PUT YOUR HAND ON THE GODDAMN PRISM. When Maggie still hesitates, Mel grabs her hand and physically drags it to the prism. But this is definitely a healthy sisterly relationship, unlike those goddamn sorori—
Once they have the prism, she drags her back to the house as well, and they come through the front door to find Harry fighting with their “mom.”
It then turns into a classic “who do we trust” situation, with Harry urging the girls to realize that this is not their mother, and their “mom” correcting him, that they are WAMEN, not girls, and that they need to trust her. She reminds Maggie about the eight-year-old bong story, and Harry says that impostor demons are able to read minds, which is how she’s been able to answer all their questions and so accurately pretend to be their mom. Maggie is convinced now that this is not their mother. Macy, who had come around to thinking she was, comes back around and agrees with Maggie. Mel screeches at them that they are crazy, but the impostor demon slips up and says that Mel was always her favorite, which FINALLY convinces the bitch that this isn’t their mom, because their mom didn’t play favorites. Mel takes the knife that’s been supernaturally hovering between Harry and the demon and plunges it into the demon’s heart.
This doesn’t kill the demon, though—it can only be killed by seeing its reflection in a mirror, which conveniently broke when they released the demon. But that’s okay! Maggie and her cell phone come to the rescue! Maggie takes a selfie of the demon, which destroys it. Oh, those uncanny millennials!
In the aftermath, the girls and Harry talk it all over. Harry, realizing that this episode has been unforgivably low on wokeness, tells the girls, “You’re not the first to fall for an impostor demon. I’m pretty sure that’s how Brexit happened.”
HAHAHA! SO FUNNY! WHAT GREAT LINES! WHAT GREAT DIALOGUE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The girls give Harry back the prism, which has the power to take away their magic. Harry is surprised that Mel trusts him, but don’t worry—Mel tells him that even though she trusts him, she still hates him. Good old Mel, that predictably cunty Latina lesbian. We’ve never seen one of those before.
Macy gives Harry the test tube with the black blob residue, which Harry believes is what killed the janitor. Harry tells Maggie that the way to control her powers is to improve her own self-confidence, which will make her own internal voice louder to her than the voices of the others she encounters. The girls agree to no longer make decisions by majority rules, but to only do things if the decision is unanimous.
Maggie gives her sisters some unsolicited romantic advice, and then heads off to the campus where her ex-boyfriend is bussing a table. She breaks up with him… AGAIN.
Macy goes to Friendzone and apologizes to him for something. I’m not sure what she’s apologizing to him for? Since the last time she talked to him was when he told her about the janitor being dead, and it didn’t seem like they were fighting. Possibly for accidentally making a bottle fly across the bar with her rage magic in the first episode?
Mel calls Niko and…well, she doesn’t need to patch things up with her because Niko doesn’t remember anything that happened while she was under the influence of the truth serum, including telling her about sleeping with her ex-fiancee. Niko just remembers having a fever or something and saying weird things while delirious. So everything’s all good there, easy peasy!
Finally, Macy comes back to the house and finds that her sisters have cleared out the shrine to their dead mother in the master bedroom, allowing the room to become totally her own.
As Maggie takes possession of her beautiful pastel bong, Harry comes zipping in to inform them that the Whitelighter Lab (I guess they have one of those) has analyzed the black goo sample and recognized it as belonging to the Harbinger of Hell, Part 3 of the prophecy from the Book of Shadows (remember—Part 1: Drumpf, Part 2: Dead Mom, Part 3: Hell).
THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH! The Harbinger is hunting for a human vessel. It tried the janitor but decided she wasn’t good enough. It’s found a better vessel…
Mysterious Coma Girl.
And that’s it for episode 2 of Woke Charmed! I know this one wasn’t as woke as the first one, but don’t worry: I’ve seen more episodes of this show. There is more woke goodness to come. Just you all wait for the next one, I’m already snickering in anticipation…
Anyway, overall thoughts: Honestly, if the show was like this all the time, I would probably genuinely enjoy it rather than ironically enjoying it. It was extremely predictable, but it was also fun and low on the politics (apart from that goddamn Brexit line). In some ways this show reminds me more of Sabrina: The Teenage Witch (the 90s one, not this abomination) than the original Charmed. While it’s not a sitcom, it’s basically one step above one. It’s campy, it’s cheesy, it honestly doesn’t seem to take itself very seriously (which is why, when it does go full-on feminist, it feels weird and almost like they’re making fun of feminism rather than promoting it). It’s like if Sabrina had an overarching plot about saving the world.
But if all the episodes of the show were like this, I wouldn’t be recapping it for you! Don’t worry, we’ll be back to the woke goodness next week. See you then!