[NOTE: OUR SENIOR CASCADIA CORRESPONDENT IS SITTING IN FOR BRETT L. BRETT HAD TO “SEE A MAN ABOUT A GATOR”]
STEVE SMITH GET BETTER AFTER FIGHT WITH COUSIN YETI. HIM GRATEFUL COUSIN SEA SMITH HELP OUT. MAYBE COUSIN YETI LEARN WISDOM WHILE GET DRAGGED ACROSS OCEAN? PROBABLY NO. HIM VERY MAD AT SMITH FAMILY. MAYBE STEVE SMITH GET BODYGUARD?
STEVE SMITH TAKE TWO WEEK RTO. HIM THINK HIM GO EUROPE. MAYBE RAPE DRUNK BRITISH TOURISTS MAJORCA? HIM MOSTLY RELAX. HIM STAY LOCAL R&B.
SO STEVE SMITH GIVE LINKS. NOW. TO FUNNY GLIBERTARIANS. HIM CALL FRIEND ZARDOZ – HIM TAKE OVER FOR NEXT TIME.
- WHEN CASCADIA INDEPENDENT…STEVE SMITH WANT THIS BE EXILE OFFENSE. BY EXILE OFFENSE, MEAN RAPE AND THROW OUT FROM CASCADIA!
- STEVE SMITH CONFUSE. ALL CEMETERY ECO-FRIENDLY. HOOMANS NO MORE DECOMPOSE?!
- STEVE SMITH WILL SEND NEW BODYGUARD BEAR HELP PROTECT HOUSE. READ WHOLE THING.
SPECIAL BONUS ADVICE! SILLY HOMANS AT SLATE NOT SMART LIKE STEVE SMITH.
Q: I hate the sounds my boyfriend makes during sex. Sorry to be blunt, but that really is the problem. (Both in our late 20s/early 30s, been dating for four months or so.) He just kind of whimpers as things start to get hot, particularly if I kiss him on the neck or elsewhere on his body, and he legitimately sounds like a small animal in pain. The strange thing is, he seems to realize these noises are unusual and off-putting—he constantly apologizes for making them, even midsex, but says he can’t help it; that’s just how he sounds when he feels good. I’m really turned on by him otherwise, but I can’t go on forever hearing the cries of injured wildlife when we’re getting it on. Is it possible to manually adjust the sounds one makes during sex? Should I ask him to?
A: STEVE SMITH NO SEE PROBLEM? HIM HEAR THAT KIND SOUND ALL TIME! SOMETIMES IT MORE LIKE “OH GOD, IT’S BIGFOOT!!!” OR “AAAAH! RUN!” BUT IT ALL SAME. STEVE SMITH THINK YOU NEED PUT ON NOISE CANCEL EAR COVER THINGS…HEADPHONE! OR, YOU INVITE STEVE SMITH OVER. DUMP BOYFRIEND AND HEAR STEVE SMITH MAKE DIFFERENT SOUND! YOU MAKE DIFFERENT SOUND TOO.