“These are the best sports stars we have?” the hat asked too loudly. “A bunch of dykes and some Wimbledon jailbait?”
“What?” the hair asked. “Coco is adorable.”
“No,” the hat said. “No, no, no, no. Read me. Read what is on me, on my body. ‘Make America Great Again.’ There’s nothing great about a bunch of Title IX clitflickers kicking a Eurofag ball around.”
“It’s boring. It’s a boring sport. That’s a goddamn scientific fact.” The hat crawled to the Diet Coke button on the desk and humped it for emphasis.
“It’s the most popular sport in the wor…”
“BOOORRRRING! And ugly girls. So ugly. What’s her name, Rapenow? Woof. She looks like a Subaru hood ornament!”
“Alex Morgan is gorgeous,” the hair said. “She’s America’s ex-girlfriend, the one you never really ever get over. And she’s married to a guy. A straight guy.”
“Bait and fucking switch. It’s like a roller derby team, one or two hot Suicide Girls and the rest look like tattooed hams.”
“You’re just cruel.”
“You just can’t handle my brutal truths.”
“What I can’t handle is when you get like this,” the hair said. “It hurts me. It just hurts me.”
“You moan like a merkin.”
“Code Red!” Donald screamed as he ran into the Oval Office.
“And Ariel is black?” the hat asked. “What the fuck is that shit? We can’t get a fucking hot redhead?”
“Code Red! Code Red!” Donald said again, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“What is it, Donald?” the hair asked.
“The courts! They said I can’t block people on Twitter!”
“I can’t block people on Twitter?” the hat asked, outraged. “Fucking commie judges.”
“The First Amendment…” the hair said.
“Stop being the voice of reason!” the hat raged. “It’s such a thin basis for a character!”
“You’re a talking hat! Totally unrealistic!!”
“The sentient hair says I’m not realistic!” the hat screamed. “Not realistic! Ha!”
“Advise me, dammit,” Donald demanded.
“Get off Twitter,” the hair snapped. “It’s full of retards and journalists, which are just a fancy type of retard.”
“I am not a retard!” the hat screamed.
The closest White House secretary to the Oval Office crept forward and pulled the door closed as quietly as she could.