“I learned a lot. And I learned that it makes a difference. This was the diving board area, and I was one of the guards, and they weren’t allowed to – it was a 3-meter board. And if you fell off sideways, you landed on the damn, er, darn cement over there.”
The hat paused the playback of video to laugh.
“Why are you making me watch this?” Donald asked.
“Just give it time, Donald,” the hair replied. “We promise that it will be totally worth it.”
“And Corn Pop was a bad dude,” Biden continues.
“Corn Pop?” Donald asked.
“And he ran a bunch of bad boys. And I did and back in those days – to show how things have changed – one of the things you had to use, if you used Pomade in your hair, you had to wear a baby cap.”
Donald tapped the space bar. “Pomade? Baby cap?” he asked.
“We can talk about this after the video, Donald,” the hat said. “Stop interrupting.”
“No, I want to know now.”
“Pomade is hair grease, like Danny and the T-Birds in, well, Grease.”
“Olivia Newton-John has a nice ass in that,” Donald said. “But she doesn’t show her tits.”
“Yes, Donald,” the hair said. “But I don’t know what a baby cap is…”
“Some sort of condom, but, like, just for the tip?” the hat mused.
“But I certainly wouldn’t let anyone put on on me,” the hair finished.
“Look at me,” the President of the United States sang out, “I’m Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity…”
“Donald? Can we get back to the video?” the hat asked.
Donald looked at the hair, sitting on the Oval Office desk, and asked calmly, “Would you pull that crap with Annette?”
“And so he was up on the board and wouldn’t listen to me. I said, ‘Hey, Esther, you! Off the board, or I’ll come up and drag you off.’ Well, he came off, and he said, ‘I’ll meet you outside.’”
“Who the fuck is Esther?” Donald asked, pausing the video again.
“Esther Williams, Donald,” the hair said.
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Donald said. “I thought the guy was named Corn Pop.”
“Gah!” the hat said. “Grr! Oh! Oh! Oh! I can’t do this anymore!”
“Can you at least try to hold it together, you drama llama?” the hair asked the hat.
“Dammit, who is Esther Williams?” Donald asked.
“She was a swimmer and an actress,” the hair said. “She was in a couple of Busby Berkeley movies.”
“Who?” Donald asked.
“Oh, goddammit,” the hat grumbled.
“My car this – was mostly, these were all public housing behind us. My car – there was a gate on here. I parked my car outside the gate. And I – and he said, ‘I’ll be waiting for you.’ He was waiting for me with three guys with straight razors. Not a joke.”
“Not a joke,” the hat said in a mocking tone.
“There was a guy named Bill Wright Mouse, the only white guy and he did all the pools. He was a mechanic. And I said, “What am I gonna do?” And he said. ‘Come down here in the basement, where mechanics – all the mechanics- – where all the pool builder is.’ You know the chain, there used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six-foot length of chain and folded it up and he said, “You walk out with that chain, and you walk to the car and say, “you may cut me man, but I’m gonna wrap this chain around your head.’”
“Waaarrriors… come out and play-ay!” the hat said, pausing the video.
“Clank, clank, clank,” the hair replied and laughed.
“Have you both gone completely nuts?” Donald asked.
“I said, ‘You’re kidding me.’ He said, ‘No, if you don’t, don’t come back.’ And he was right. So I walked out with the chain. And I walked up to my car. And in those days, you remember the straight razors, you had to bang “em on the curb, gettin’ em rusty, puttin’ em in the rain barrel, gettin’ em rusty?”
“I don’t have the faintest clue what in the fuck Joe is talking about,” the hat said. “Straight razors? Curbs? Rain barrels?”
“Now you are the one pausing it and interrupting,” Donald said peevishly.
“And I looked at him, but I was smart, then. I said, ‘First of all,’ I said, ‘When I tell you to get off the board, you get off the board, and I’ll kick you out again, but I shouldn’t have called you Esther Williams, and I apologize for that. I apologize.’ But I didn’t know that apology was gonna work. He said, ‘You apologize to me?’ I said, ‘I apologize but not for throwing you out, but I apologize for what I said.’ He said, ‘OK,’ closed that straight razor and my heart began to beat again.”
“Just bizarre, utterly bizarre,” the hair said. “Like, what was the point of that whole thing?”
“Joe is tough, I guess,” the hat replied, “And smart because he took a pool chain to a rain barrel razor fight.”
“Aren’t pool chains made of plastic so light it floats?” the hair asked.
“Maybe not in, like, what? 1960?” the hat mused.
“Who is this? Why did I have to watch this?” Donald asked. “I’m trying to work on plans to bomb Iran.”
“Oh, man, can you imagine how pissed John Bolton’s mustache would be if we bombed Iran after firing him?” the hair asked.
“We should bomb them just to see if he’d have some sort of lip stroke,” the hat replied.