Once again, I have to apologize to everyone here. Depending on what sociologist you ask, I happen to be a millennial. As many of you know, millennials ruin everything. Which means I am going to go ahead and ruin this. I will now brace myself for the onslaught of rotten cabbage you are all getting ready to throw at me…
This is my review of Natural Light Aloha Beaches Hard Seltzer.
I know what half of you are thinking: “This isn’t beer. Now these cucks want us to drink a shot of vodka dropped into bubbly water? No way no how…” A quarter of you are probably wondering how this is even marketable, 10% of you haven’t even read this far and skipped directly to comments, finally the last 15% of you have decided that it is good Natural Light decided to drop the mask and admit what they are selling is just water.
So for that 25% of you curious why this is marketable…
Hard Seltzer is not really a new concept. Cocktails like the Gin & Tonic, the Vodka Tonic, or even the Scotch & Soda have been around for decades. What makes it new is putting it into a can and marketing it as a lower calorie option to beer or wine. In a sense it is lower in calories. The typical White Claw for example is 100 calories per 12 ounce serving. The alcohol is normally just white rum so there is hardly any flavor aside from the carbonation and the light, fruity flavoring they can add to it but it can be plain if one is that boring.
This is what has won over the Bro Culture. Seriously, you know those guys in their 20’s with their popped collars, imitation wayfarers, short pink shorts, and boating shoes without socks are drinking? Hard seltzer.
How and why? Because of the perception that beer is high in calories, and this is a better option from that standpoint. Sort of like vaping—is it actually “good” for you to vape? Probably not, but they are not marketing it as a “good” option but it is certainly a better option than smoking cigarettes. The garden variety Pilsner for example is around 150 calories–yes even the supposedly better ones from Germany. Light beer is around 100 and the ultralights are even lower, but at that point you are just drinking 3% abv(or less) and you may as well be drinking water. The aforementioned White Claw is consistent at 5.5% abv, does not taste like watered down beer, and can be chugged right before you have to meet your mother-in-law without her knowing you’re a lush.
So it is the “Bro Market” players like Four Loko and Natural Light are trying to penetrate by offering, in the case of Four Loko, an absurd 14% abv. Are these bubbly water drinks really any good? I can get into it in occasion and should I find the Four Loko version I will most certainly discuss it. One thing I noticed is these tend to hit me a bit quicker than beer, but I also recover from it quicker than beer as well. The Natural Light version comes in two flavors, the one I picked was mango mostly out of lack of options at the store in California where I purchased it. It is overpowering—the mango flavor, that is. I believe the perfect combination with this particular hard seltzer is actually a shaker of Taijin, because grilled mango with a light brush of butter, topped with Taijin is absolutely delicious.
Chances are pretty good, you hate everything about every word I just described, if so this is not for you. Your 24 year old son living in your basement? Sure, otherwise this is not for you. Natural Light Aloha Beaches Hard Seltzer: 1.5/5