To continue on with December’s theme of determining if our favorite holiday movies can be made again today or are just products if their time. We will take a look at a, shall we say, unconventional Christmas Movie.
This is my review of Epic Brewery Big Bad Baptist Imperial Stout.
Don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie? A few of you already got into this one and confirmed my biases in the subject.
As an aside, never make a bet at a bar. It either results in you losing all your money, your clothes, or the bar having to call Security Forces in to haul you back to Hurlburt Field. Sometimes all three.
Die Hard is indeed a Christmas movie. The movie is about a guy visiting his wife for the holidays. She was a career woman working for a Japanese company, both of which was something somewhat new for the time. She also lived in another city as a result of her having a career. He planned to meet his wife during the office Christmas party, scheduled on Christmas Eve.
…Of course the twist is the building is taken over by a small group of heavily armed, East German terrorists led by Hans Grüber. They hold everyone in the building hostage in exchange for the release their comrades in arms from various prisons across the world, the “Asian Dawn,” and access codes to a enormous safe holding cash bonds.
…the other twist is the aforementioned guy visiting his wife is Detective John McClaine, NYPD. While he showed up with what was then the latest and greatest in concealed carry (Beretta Model 92), he now has a machine gun.
HO HO HO
…and hilarity ensues.
The tricky part is if this can be made again today, and the answer in my opinion is: maybe.
It really can’t be the same movie because trends in world events would probably have to be updated to match the times. The company would have to be Chinese since they are the new Japanese, buying up all of America. Although the name of the building Nakatomi Plaza could stay the same.
McClaine’s pistol will have to be updated to a Glock, obviously. He would also have to be played by a person of color, or maybe even somebody with an accent. Idris Elba checks both boxes but Liam Niesen is acceptable. Prisoner exchange is also a likely motive behind taking hostages, but nobody really has bonds printed directly on paper anymore, nor is such a massive safe necessary to secure them. Just demand a transfer of cryptocurrency from the Chinese.
Where it gets dicey are the terrorists. During the Cold War, there were a number of communist guerrilla groups that provided an easy background on the villains. Being they are terrorists the easy update is to make them some flavor of Islamic terrorists. That however is politically incorrect because #notallmuslims. In addition, there are not very many examples of movies with the villains being part of an Islamic terrorist group post 9/11. True Lies, and The Siege were both released in the 1990’s. Post 9/11, only war movies set in Iraq or Afghanistan, four hour long Clint Eastwood-backed drudgery, and a handful of TV shows that came out with both wars as a background feature Islamic terrorists—out of necessity. Uhygurs are certainly a bridge to far, given the how often movies are funded by Chinese interests these days. North Koreans and/or Cubans are a stretch.
Which leaves White Nationalists as the only acceptable villain group. This is convenient, given their leader can still be named Hans.
Jingle All the Way: A man played by Arnold Schwarzenegger attempts to buy his son THE TOY OF THE YEAR…on Christmas Eve. Which is silly, because he can just buy it on Amazon today, and have it delivered by Tuesday. Plus, in one scene he impersonates a cop, which makes this a total no-go.
The Santa Clause: A man played by Tim Allen inadvertently kills Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, dons his coat and becomes the new Santa Claus. Unfortunately, this requires Tim Allen to seek penance for the sins of being both funny, and traditionally male. Sadly he won’t do it, nor would they forgive him anyways. Like the other film mentioned, fatherhood is a dominant theme that nobody wants to portray in a positive manner. The title is a pun; a legal pun. Swiss would narrow gaze on a biblical proportion in response.
This beer is made in Utah. I want to make this clear, for everybody that wants to piss all over Utah for their association with weirdo religions, this beer is made in Utah…but it is illegal to sell there outside of a couple state run stores. Which is fine, because that leaves an awful lot more for me. Lots of roasted coffee notes, with a blast of whiskey. It does the job exceptionally well. Epic Brewery Big Bad Baptist Imperial Stout: 4.1/5.