It is with the heaviest of hearts, we here at Glibertarians.com mourn the loss of one of our own.  Arguably the original; one of the finest individuals of all time to don our customary top hat and monocle. Lets give a moment of silence, for Mr. Peanut.

Okay now that’s out of the way, this is my review of Bud Light Seltzer.

The part of Mr. Peanut’s untimely death is the suggestion other beloved cartoon mascots need to die.  I for one think this is ludicrous.  Their five suggested mascots are:

  • Chester Cheetah
  • The Trix Rabbit
  • Talking M&Ms
  • Honey Smacks Dig’em Frog
  • Ronald McDonald

Lets take these one by one.

Chester Cheetah, is the orange cat peddling Cheetos at least since I can remember.  These days he’s a creepy looking animatronic puppet(or CGI) but used to be a cartoon.  He always spoke in silly rhymes and found himself in precarious situations such as getting hit by an enormous wave while surfing.  Which to be honest isn’t a bad message:  go outside and play.  Maybe Cheetos aren’t the dumbest idea if you actually are active.  Sadly, nobody wants to be active anymore and people eating Cheetos are stereotyped as WOW players eating nothing but Cheetos over the course of a three-day weekend, covered in a crusty, orange buildup.  This isn’t Chester’s fault and he doesn’t deserve to die over this.  Besides, what are they going to replace him with, some stereotype meth addict eating an entire bag outside a gas station conveniently covering a bottle of Olde English?

The Trix Rabbit.  Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.  The kids in these commercials are terrible excuses for human beings.  For decades they insisted the fruity cereal was not for this rabbit and ate it in front of him.  Seriously, the rabbit just wants some cereal, its not like its asking you for some of your stash, or asking to crash on your couch, or some drifter walking around the desert asking for a ride to Mesa after you made it clear there’s a gun within arm’s reach in the car and you are going to Phoenix–not Mesa.  Its cereal.  Give the rabbit some damn cereal.

Talking M&M’s.  Okay these are a bit weird, and likely the result of an acid trip.  I am not going to defend their cannibalism, other than to say they clearly are not M&M’s but some kind of species of super M&M’s or full grown M&M’s.  Which means it’s not really their own they are eating, when in fact they are eating their young.  Which doesn’t make it better at all.

Honey Smacks Dig’em Frog.  Swinging for the fences are we?  Next we can kill off the Golden Crisp Sugar Bear.

Ronald McDonald:

Honestly, Ronald, this is a classic “It’s not you, it’s me” situation. When you were introduced as the fast-food chain’s mascot in 1963, consumers knew a lot less about the damaging health effects of fatty and fried foods — and so they could feed their kids Quarter Pounders and Filet-o-Fish sandwiches guilt-free. Today’s moms and dads can’t claim such ignorance — and your smiling clown face serves as a haunting reminder that every time I give in to my child’s cravings for a Quarter Pounder, I’m hastening his own death.

Forecast for today’s nightmare is SUNNY.

That’s not disturbing at all.  I’m pretty sure they have the same menu as they did in 1963. In fact, their menu has gotten healthier and even included salads at one point, because moral busybodies like this lady blamed her and her children’s girth on the clown.  Turns out people eating at McDonalds want a burger–immediately.  Its not the clown’s fault you are fat, its yours.  So if you want a Quarter Pounder (Hell, I might get a double later today to spite these people) or a Filet-o-fish then have one, and leave the delightful Willard Scott out of this.

To be honest, all of these are just ads that are all easily ignored.  Most of these are harmless (Uncle Ben’s, Aunt Jemima, the Tapatio Mariachi guy, etc. excepted) but what really kills me with these are celebrity endorsements.  Do they really expect me to believe a guy like Tiger Woods not only drives a Buick, but that particular Buick?  Given his taste in women, Tiger clearly drives a Camaro.

 

Everyone that thought Bud Light Seltzer was some kind of joke, or a marketing gimmick was sadly correct.  This drink is a joke.  I only got it in strawberry because I found a 12 pack of them at the local Kroger, but did not want to be stuck with 12, so I found this one at a Quick Trip.  Its abysmal.  If they stuck with a citrus flavor it might have worked out better but strawberry is a bridge too far.  Once again, White Claw owns this market niche not only because it does not taste like carbonated piss, it does so without adding more sugar.  Which is what a lot of people are going for with the spiked seltzer thing.  It is very clearly not beer, therefore I will not give it a rating comparing it to beer.