January 16, 2020 – Washington Bureau
A new Gallup-Quinnipiac-Eyeglass poll has exposed a disturbing weakness in Bernie Sanders’ voting base. According to the January 14th poll, 53% of likely Bernie Sanders voters think that they’re voting for somebody else.
While most of the alter ego voters thought they were voting for celebrities with similar names, like Adam Sandler and Barney from How I Met Your Mother, others believed they were voting for different old white men, like Doc Brown from Back to the Future and Santa Claus.
Lindsay Devaless, a senior beverage engineer at Streetcorner Java and Scones, found the number of candidates confusing. “I’m voting for Barney because he just seems like such a fun guy to take to bed! I’m not really looking for commitment, and his ‘I don’t care’ attitude is so different from my other boyfriends. I loved him on that TV show, and I’m sure he’d love me if he met me!”
After being informed that the person she was referring to was Neil Patrick Harris, and that he was gay, Lindsay expressed her frustration. “Harris? Didn’t he drop out months ago? And wasn’t the gay one named Butt something or other? I remember because it was so metaphorical. Or is it metaphysical? Gah! Politics is so confusing! Why do the Russians have to keep confusing me? Hashtag impeach!”
Joe Steel, a Bernie voter who mistook him for Santa Claus was much more insistent on his interpretation. “What? You’re telling me that’s not Santa?? Get outta here! Sure, he shaved his beard, but you can see the twinkle in his eye and the aura of unrealistic mythology! The guy talks about giving free stuff to everybody! Free houses, free college, free healthcare. He even makes sure you get the good stuff! Like he said, ‘nobody needs 32 different kinds of deodorant.’ Santy only gives the best! Oh, and I have it on good authority that he’s making a list and checking it twice. Those naughty Repuklicons aren’t gonna be getting any dirty coal in their stockings this year!”
When asked about why he’s voting for Santa, Steel pointed to the track records of philanthropists in the Oval Office. “After four years of Hitler, I think we’re all wishing we could get back to those two terms of Oprah. Since the evil Republicans won’t let Oprah run again, we have to vote for the next best thing… Santy Claus!”
Although the confusion may seem to play to the detriment of Bernie, experts believe otherwise. Wallace Oppenbaugh, professor of political science at Northwest Connecticut University and Grill wrote in a recent editorial that “[Sanders’ campaign] stands to gain from the confusion. Just like his ideas and platform are much more palatable to people who don’t understand them, he’s a much more electable candidate when a majority of his voters think that he was in a movie with Jennifer Aniston.”
Oppenbaugh warns, however, that this phenomenon is not universal. “We tried to interview voters who had mistakenly voted for Hillary Clinton, but unfortunately they all committed suicide right after the poll results became public.”
One final insight provided by the poll has quite positive implications for Sanders’ candidacy. Of the 47% who knew who they were voting for, all but two of them are legally dead. The other two are millennial trust fund babies living for free in their parents’ in-law suites. Bonta Aghilorian-Binar (whe/whore) , a Sanders campaign spokesentity, seized on the momentum. “The deceased are a great constituency for Bernie. He relates so closely to them! As somebody who has seen the light, so to say, a few times, Bernie has a good grasp on deceased-American electoral issues. They are really passionate for free college and single payer healthcare!”
While some herald this poll as the culmination of the Sanders campaign, others see it as the beginning of his ascendancy. Martin MacGlide shared his optimism. “If he doesn’t win this year, he can always hop in his DeLorean and drive his way to the candidacy in the 2024 election. The only issue is finding a new flux capacitor after installing the current one in place of his syphilis-riddled heart.”