January 4, 2020 – Atlanta, Georgia
After a third libertarian died yesterday from apparent shadenfreude poisoning, the Centers for Disease Control have released a statement warning libertarians, classical liberals, Constitutionally minded independents, and pacifists to moderate their consumption of statist tears to 2 pints per day.
James Wallace, a Grand Rapids resident, marijuana connoisseur, and alleged Ron Paul fan club founder, has died at age 42 after what witnesses describe as an “overload of epic trolling” after he invited several prominent Grand Rapids Progressives and Conservatives to his house for a party. Allegedly, Wallace, a co-owner of the local glassworks, spent nearly an hour separately goading the Progressives and Conservatives into respective fervors about General Soleimani, only to bring the conversation to climax by revealing that he had been talking about former President Obama’s extra-judicial execution of American citizen Anwar al-Awlaki the whole time.
Reports indicate that the resulting waterfall of Prog and Con tears was so intense that Wallace’s cat, Mittens, was washed into the storm sewer. Wallace was quoted as saying “why are you so butthurt, assholes?” before chugging nearly a full gallon of outrage effluence.
Wallace’s untimely passing comes on the heels of the death of Martin Lingenshott, 34, a Provo libertarian who overdosed on impeachment tears, and the tragic public expiration of Landon Okunye, a 20 year old student at University of Oregon who wrote a paper on the parallels between Trump and Hitler for his Political Science class.
Landon’s situation was particularly tragic because his life could have been spared had he left off the final sentence of his essay, which explained that all of the Trump facts, quotes, and datapoints connecting to Hitler were actually Elizabeth Warren facts, quotes, and datapoints. The political science building on the University of Oregon campus is slated to reopen next Tuesday, once the flood remediation team finishes their cleanup.
Experts fear that the unfortunate demises of Landon, Martin, and James may not be the end of this public health crisis. With the 2020 election looming, many expect shadenfreude to be in ample supply, and since libertarians hate common sense regulations, many will overdose and die.
Jenine Slater-Bouffant, epidemiologist at the CDC, fears that a full blown pandemic may sweep through the libertarian population, a species that is already critically endangered. “With climate change wreaking havoc like it has, libertarians have been left in a particularly vulnerable position,” Slater-Bouffant explained, “it wouldn’t take much to drive them to extinction. There are already no female libertarians, and the males have resorted to the biological impossibility of importing Mexicans to reproduce with… rectally.” However, Slater-Bouffant does hold out some hope for the libertarians. So many of them are hermits and social outcasts that it’s unlikely they know enough Progressives or Conservatives to acquire a toxic amount of shadenfreude.
Still, the CDC is taking this seriously. They have lent their expertise to the FDA to craft a regulation banning reusable e-cigarette cartridges. If all goes as planned, the regulation will be enforced starting in July. Slater-Bouffant confidently predicts that this regulation will reduce libertarian shadenfreude deaths by 50% by 2028.