China Denies Weaponizing Virus No One Has Heard Of

BEIJING – A spokesman from the Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs condemned rumors that the Chinese military weaponized Mongolian Yak Herpes, a disease unknown to science until this morning. The spokesman elaborated that the virus most certainly was not deliberately created at the Sum Ting Wong Disease Research Center in Wuhan. The spokesman then ran in circles around the podium with the other four spokesmen, sat down, and was replaced by another spokesman. In any case, according to the 2nd spokesman, it was all a long time ago and it never happened anyway. Besides, continued the 3rd spokesman, what about the appalling rates of obesity in the US, especially amongst impoverished Negroes residing in so-called food deserts? Such a thing could never happen under the system of Socialism with Chinese Characteristics. The 4th spokesman then ripped up a Tibetan flag and kowtowed to a giant portrait of Xi Jinping. In response, the NBA now requires all players to carry a copy of Mao’s Little Red Book at all times, and all future games will begin with a playing of the March of the Volunteers. Some experts have speculated that such a disease could have originated from an incident when Genghis Khan had sex with a herd of yaks to win a bet. This is why the banner of his horde had nine bands of yak hair, one for each yak. Chinese officials have repeatedly stressed that even if someone is infected with Mongolian Yak Herpes, they will be healthy again an hour later.

Hail to the Grand Helmsman Mao and His Glorious Successor Xi!
Wan Sui! Wan Sui! Wan Sui!
And hail to the Great Chinese 5G Cellphone Corporation Huawei!
Huawei! Huawei! Huawei!