ZARDOZ SPEAK TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THE LINKS ARE TOO FULL OF DISAPPOINT FOR ZARDOZ. WHERE ARE THE BODIES OF THE BRUTALS, STACKED LIKE CORD WOOD? OVER-PROMISED, AND UNDER-DELIVERED.

BUT THAT IS OF NO MATTER TO THE CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ KNOWS THEY THIRST FOR THE KNOWLEDGE ZARDOZ PROVIDES! THIS CAN BE SEEN BY THE ADVICE ZARDOZ GIVES – BETTER THAN THAT OF ANY BRUTAL…

THEREFOR, RECEIVE THE GIFT OF ADVICE. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!

Q: I live in a densely populated luxury high-rise apartment building in a busy downtown neighborhood that has a diverse mix of residents. I have lived here for four years and have never really had many issues, until recently.

My next-door neighbor works in the medical field that at times has very late or early hours associated with it. I also work in a field that has odd hours, so I am empathetic. My issue is, she has a new boyfriend she is intimate with anywhere between 2 and 4 a.m. I am a light sleeper and get awakened by their sessions together. I can hear her voice and at times, jostling of furniture.

I have thought about telling the building management, but it would be obvious that the complaint would have come from me, and I don’t want that. I also don’t want to cause embarrassment to either of us. How can I address this delicately, without causing embarrassment, or must I suck it up and suffer?

A: ZARDOZ THINKS YOU ARE MISSING AN OPPORTUNITY HERE. HAVE YOU NOT SPREAD THE WORD THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL? YOU MUST PATIENTLY EXPLAIN THE WORDS OF ZARDOZ TO HER.

1. BAD 2. WORSE!

ONCE YOU HAVE EXPLAINED THIS ZARDOZ IS SURE YOU WILL HAVE PEACE AT NIGHT. IF NOT, LET ZARDOZ KNOW. YOU THEN HAVE TWO OPTIONS – RECORD THE ACTIVITY AND MONETIZE IT ON THE INTERNETS, OR ZED CAN COME AROUND AND HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR.

QUIET HOURS, DEAR NEIGHBOR!

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

Q: I have been seriously ill for a couple of years, suffering from multiple health issues. I should be fine in several months, but the cure will require surgeries, and my strength must be built up before that can happen.

I do not want attention, and I do not like to talk about these very personal issues — nor can I imagine that acquaintances wish to hear the details. Yuck!

Until I am strong enough for the operations, though, life is not easy. I feel terrible and exhausted, and rarely go out. I am pale as a ghost. My eyes seem to have retreated back into my head. Makeup makes me look like a sick person who painted their face orange. My hair is dull and just hangs there, as I have not been able to get a haircut. I have lost a lot of weight, and my hands shake.

When I do venture away from home, I am often approached by people I do not know well. They walk up to me, poised for a hearty handshake and some small talk, and then recoil, pulling their hand back dramatically and declaring, “You’re sick! Stay away! You shouldn’t be here!” I assure them that I am not contagious, but they are never convinced.

Getting a bit of fresh air and a change of scenery helps me to cope. Feeling like a public spectacle does not. Talking about all the troubles life has sent my way, just so germaphobes and nosy people will believe that I really don’t have the flu? That makes me cry. Do I need to hide indoors until I am healthy again?

A: IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES, ZARDOZ SAYS YOU SHOULD MAKE A BIG SHOW OF COUGHING AT THOSE WHO OFFEND YOU. HOPEFULLY YOU WILL MAKE THEM FATALLY ILL – CLEANSING FTW! IF NOT, THEY WILL FLEE IN TERROR, AND YOU WILL RULE THE STREETS OF YOUR MISBEGOTTEN CITY.

TAKE CHARGE WITH A CLAMMY AND WEAK FIST!

*NOT ACTUAL DEPICTION OF THE QUESTION AUTHOR

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.