How about we start off with some good news?

Putnam County deputy attempting to shoot attacking dog accidentally hits self

The spokesperson said a deputy went to the home on Arrowhead Drive at about 7 p.m. looking for a runaway who has been found at the home in the past. The Sheriff’s Office said the deputy walked into the yard, knocked on the front door and that’s when he heard a dog barking inside.

The spokesperson said the dog ran after the deputy, and before he could back out of the yard, the dog charged at him and bit him in his ankle.

According to the Sheriff’s Office, the deputy reached for his gun to shoot the dog, but the dog moved out of the way and the deputy accidentally shot himself in the foot.


[insert that noise from when Pac-man dies]

California faces $54B budget deficit

The shortfall is almost 37 percent of the current $147.8 billion general fund budget and foretells widespread program cuts absent a federal bailout. K-12 schools and community colleges stand to lose $18 billion alone and are clamoring for money to adapt campuses to a new social distancing reality.

The Department of Finance released its projections in a rare fiscal update a week before Gov. Gavin Newsom is expected to roll out his May budget revision, his first post-coronavirus spending plan. The deficit projection extends to the remainder of this fiscal year and through the 2020-21 period that starts July 1.

[insert sound of Ms. Pac-Man crying]

[insert grainy video of Ms. Pac-Man getting drunk at the wake]

[insert telephoto shot of Ms. Pac-Man sneaking out of Sinistar’s condo the next morning]

 


One of Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus

A member of the US Navy who serves as one of President Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus, CNN learned Thursday, raising concerns about the President’s possible exposure to the virus.

The valets are members of an elite military unit dedicated to the White House and often work very close to the President and first family. Trump was upset when he was informed Wednesday that the valet had tested positive, a source told CNN, and the President was subsequently tested again by the White House physician.

Elite military unit

Can you imagine going through all that training just so you can refill the White House bidets with Gerolsteiner, swaddle Barron in his weighted sensory compression vest, sneak Melania her vodka tampons and hand Donald his ass towel when he’s done dropping a “Big Mac”?

Depressing.

 


[insert pdf of Baby Pac-Man’s CPS intake report]


 

When they kick at your front door, how you gonna come?