ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. YOU HAVE DONE WELL, KEEPING IN MIND THE WORDS OF ZARDOZ. BUT NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SLACKING OFF! ZARDOZ WILL GIVE ADVICE. FAR BETTER THAN ANY OF THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS THAT LITTER THE INTERWEBZ.
READ THE ADVICE OF ZARDOZ….GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
FIRST UP, THE LAUGHABLE DISPENSER OF NONSENSE, “DEAR PRUDENCE”
Q: A really good friend of mine is a nurse who treats patients with COVID-19. She was irate about the lack of PPE, until a guy she was interested in dating invited her over to his house. He has shared custody of young children with an ex-wife but has apparently said nothing to her about his ex-wife’s approval of such an encounter (obviously, because who would consent to such a thing?). I know she’s lonely. I know she wants to have sex. But I was appalled that she’d even consider this invite, defying the rules of lockdown we’re all following in no small part to make health care workers like her safer. I’ve lost respect for her. And I’m angry with her. She thinks I’m overreacting. Who’s right?
A: ZARDOZ HAS BEEN LOSING RESPECT FOR THE PITIFUL OFFERINGS OF “SLATE” LATELY. THE TABERNACLE CALCULATES THE PROBABILITY OF THIS SITUATION EXISTING AS .000193% THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVER APPEARS TO HAVE CREATED A BLEND OF “RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES” THE EVIL PENIS MAGAZINE “PENTHOUSE” LETTERS AND A STOCK SITUATION OF ADVICE COLUMNS, “I DON’T APPROVE OF MY ‘FRIEND’S’ CHOICE IN _____.”
BUT FOR PURPOSES OF INSTRUCTION, ZARDOZ WILL SUSPEND DISBELIEF AND ADVISE THUS:
THIS IS A DIFFICULT BALANCING ACT, BRUTAL. FOR CLEARLY YOUR FRIEND KNOWS NOT THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL! IT SHOOTS SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE (THE BRUTAL SHE SEEKS TO MATE WITH APPEARS TO HAVE ALREADY CREATED MORE FILTH OF BRUTALS TO PLAGUE THE WORLD). BUT, IF IT IS POSSIBLE SHE COULD SPREAD A FATAL DISEASE TO MORE THAN ONE OTHER BRUTAL… A TOUGHIE. HOWEVER, TO REMAIN CONSISTENT, YOU MUST TURN YOUR FRIEND OVER TO THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS – THEY WILL MAKE SURE SHE HAS PLENTY TO KEEP HER OCCUPIED, AS A GRAIN SLAVE TO THE VORTEX.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
SPEAKING OF “RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES”, ZARDOZ WILL NOW DESTROY THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVER “DEAR ABBY”
Q: I work in the deli department of a grocery store and have been struggling lately. With everything that is going on, people are overwhelmed and have been taking it out on us.
I asked one person, “How are you doing today?” The response I got was, “I’m not interested in conversation. Just feed me!” Another who came to the register didn’t utter a single word except to exclaim, when I offered her a bottle opener for her soda, “I’ve got it!” Then she snatched her change out of my hand. I don’t even get the brunt of it; the cashiers have to handle the worst of it.
We employees are stressed out about the same things everyone else is. We are struggling to get the same products everyone else is searching desperately for. I had to shop at five different stores to get what I need and still haven’t found many things.
Between the stress of the virus and the stress of being treated so rudely, my mental health is running low. I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety, and many of my coping methods are unavailable to me due to closures. Could you please remind your readers that we are all in the same boat and need to be kind to one another, and direct those of us who are struggling emotionally to resources we can access during this time of panic?
A: ZARDOZ WOULD CHIDE YOU, WEAKLING, FOR BEING SOFT….BUT ZARDOZ IS PRETTY SURE YOU ARE MERELY ANOTHER FICTIONAL CREATION OF AN ADVICE BRUTAL. THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL OFFER YOU AN OUTLET FOR YOUR STRESS. RUDE CUSTOMER? CLEANSE THEM. NEED SOMETHING FROM A STORE? RANSACK IT. YES…YOU ARE BEING OFFERED A SPOT IN THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS!
THE ONLY WORD YOU NEED TO HEED, IS THAT OF ZARDOZ! NO CUSTOMER SERVICE MANUALS OR “HAVE A BLESSED DAY” HERE. REJOICE IN YOUR NEWFOUND POWER OVER THE BRUTALS WHO BOTHER YOU.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.