ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. THOUGH A SHORT WEEK, YOU HAVE DONE WELL. YOU HAVE MOCKED THE BRUTALS WHO POLLUTE THE INTERNETZ, AND YOU HAVE PROCLAIMED THE GOODNESS OF THE GUN. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SLACKING A BIT ON “THE PENIS IS EVIL” PART, SO DON’T LET THE PRAISE OF ZARDOZ GO TO YOUR HEADS.
THEREFOR, ZARDOZ WILL PROVIDE ADVICE, SO THAT YOU MAY STAY IN THE ZARDOZ GROOVE. GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
FIRST UP, A TOTALLY REAL SITUATION FROM THE BUNGLING BRUTALS AT SLATE.
Q: It’s just text: I’m a married man, and I have been sexting with my wife’s aunt for about a year now. We have never sent pictures or done any type of video chat—it’s all been hot and heavy texts. She wants to start video chatting, but I am totally against it. I feel like texting is not cheating because it’s just text and not sex. But as soon as pictures and videos and live sessions start, then I am cheating on my wife.
A: SO IN THIS TOTALLY NOT CONTRIVED CONUNDRUM, YOU WONDER IF THIS IS OK? BRUTAL, PLEASE. YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR ONE TERRIBLE REASON:
YOU ARE A SERVANT OF EVIL. SO, IN CASE YOU ARE ACTUALLY A REAL FOOL, SEEKING ADVICE… KNOCK IT OFF. IF UNABLE TO CONTROL YOUR EVIL, ZARDOZ WILL SEND SOME “COUNSELORS” TO HELP.
A SLIGHTLY MORE BELIEVABLE OFFERING…
Q: My fiance and I are planning to get married in August, and we have reserved everything: church, reception venue, music, cake, etc. Our wedding is going be an affair of 200 people.
With what is currently happening in the United States, we are waiting before sending out invitations — deciding if we can still have our big wedding, or will have to switch to a very scaled-down backyard wedding of 50 people.
If we do have a scaled-down wedding, how do we go about explaining to all the guests that we won’t be able to invite all of them? Also, should we expect the wedding vendors to refund our deposits?
A: OH, LOOK AT ME! I AM TO HAVE SUCH A LAVISH AFFAIR. OH, WOE, IF I HAVE TO CUT DOWN FROM “OSTENTATIOUS” TO “OVERDONE”. YOU WILL RECEIVE NO SYMPATHY FROM THE DENIZENS OF THE VORTEX. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LINE UP MORE THAN A COUPLE OF DOZEN PREMATURELY AGED ETERNALS TO GET THROUGH A QUICK CEREMONY?
JUST DO THE BACKYARD THING.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.