The wise FourScore observed:  I’m beginning to believe this once great country is too big and too diverse to try to manage. De-centralization sounds like a good idea. Can be on present state lines and agreements with adjacent states that will be free trade within that trade area plus free trade with any other adjacent trade areas. Freedom of movement as well. [Citation]


Well, he didn’t ask for smaller American unions, but here’s a batch of them, a weak and lazy attempt from a guy who knows a lot about a lot of the country and almost nothing of the rest:  both classes will be readily obvious.  Don’t get me wrong:  this won’t work and has a bunch of obvious problems we’ve hashed out before.

    1. City-states are needed to address the urban/rural conflict.
    2. Most jurisdictional splits are 60/40, so lots of people are always in the wrong place.


But maybe it’s still fun to try and see what is to be learned.  I made myself some rules; try to

    1. stay contiguous and regular (no jerrymandering!!!)
    2. try to keep it simple and big, no more than 20 states
    3. be willing to endure some gnat shit in the pepper if you’re still 70% right
    4. don’t worry if you really don’t know the difference between folk from Portland, Peoria, Portland, Poland, or Portland . . . down deep, people are people.
    5. keep a state in one time zone

Funny, gerrymandering all the way down:  at least I learned that much from this game.  But what to call these little unions?  Naming conventions are something like these

    1. no traditional, historical English
    2. new abbreviations so we can still use the old ones as well
    3. that’s it


So here’s your new map:  find yourself and figure out your new religion and tax rate!


A little confusing?  Sorry!  Here’s where you useta live.



Hope that clears things up.  Want to move the lines?  Well, okay, but you’re gonna piss off a bunch of folks ‘cause here’s how we vote.



So, if you are a Hindu caught in West Pakistan, you better get packing!  So here’s some new views to critique.


California (CF)

nickname           Disneyland

inclusions           the entire Left Coast (TM:  Rush Limbaugh)

exclusions          Skinhead holdouts east of the Cascades

capital                 Sacramento (it’s already a complete waste)

population         55M

industries           melons, diversity

chief ally             Hawaii

bond rating        FFF


Hawaii (HI)

inclusions           pretty obvious

exclusions          pretty obvious; no?  okay:  Guam

capital                 whatever, they’re really on their own at this point

population         you mean, awake and working?

minorities          wypipo

chief ally             California

governor            Jim Nabors (yeah, I know, but it’s still a pretty good idea)

state song          My Home is in Indiana

motto                  We’re not Samoa!

bond rating        F

Quick note:  AK and HI are throw-aways included for completeness.  There’s nothing fun or funny about either (sorry, 61), so just blow through them and pay no heed.



Rockies (RO)

nickname           Bavaria

inclusions           Linda Ronstadt and the former US above 5k feet

exclusions          Denver, El Paso, and NM

capital                 Elko

population         10M

minorities          monogamists

industries           backpacks and #1 guards for hair clippers

state drink         Kölsch

governor           Joe Walsh

bond rating      B

Quick note:  I managed to tear Colorado into three.  That was an accident, but the eastern sliver of CO was part of Tejas once and I was trying to extend simple, obvious, existing lines, and this is the one big mess that came of that good intention.  Good news:  no one lives in eastern CO.


Alaska (AK)

motto                 Seward Slept Here

inclusions           eyes the Yukon suggestively

exclusions          any cities that use the Celsius scale because it demeans everything “below zero”

capital                 who cares:  they’ll just move it in a couple of years anyway

population         that’s really their problem

industries           engine block heaters, rubbing noses

chief ally             Siberia

notable               Janine Turner ain’t coming for any amount of money

bond rating        A



Lakota (LK)

nickname           the Amber Wave

inclusions           anything that looks mostly like Saskatchewan

exclusions          the useful bits of MN

capital                 Pierre

population         10M

minorities          Lakota

industries           spare parts for John Deere

state flag            red shop rag soaked in 30W oil

governor            Bob Gibson

bond rating        A


New Mexico (NX)

nickname           mi casa

inclusions           Humble, Goliad, the Alamo, Austin, El Paso del Norte

exclusions          California, Fort Worth, and Rancho XIT

capital                San Angelo

population         25M

minorities          Anglos

industries           slag piles, dirty pickups, watermelons

don’t miss          worst Walmart in the world in Las Cruces just off I-10

bond rating        C


Texas (TJ)

inclusions           TCU, Baylor, A&M, part of Mizzou that I don’t konw what to do about, and bits-o-Colorado that are in the cool old maps measured in leagues

exclusions          PR of Austin, Houston, and El Paso del Norte

capital                 Oklatexarkana

population         28M

governor            Ross Perot Jr Jr

minorities          marksmen and people who take their 4x4s off-road

industries           strutting and big-jawed women

don’t miss          patio at Joe T Garcia’s in Fort Worth

pastimes            regretting time and money spent on SMU alumae

bond rating        A


Jabetcha (JA)

nickname           Ole Oofda

inclusions           Swedish and Norwegian zones of the Great Lakes

exclusions          Madison, Somalia, and Garrison Keillor

governor            Don Schneider

capital                 Green Bay

population         15M

minorities          atheists

industries           rubber over-boots, iron oxide

state bird           lutefisk

bond rating        B


Chicago (CH)

motto                 hey bub:  that’s a union job

inclusions           Gary, Madison, Detroit, Quad Cities, Saint Louis, Kansas City, and I know it doesn’t look like it but MSP, of course; couldn’t find a way to work in Cleveland, more corn than really belongs

exclusions          Carbondale, cities with weak mob scenes

capital                 Davenport or Rockford

population         30M

minorities          people with vowels in their last names

industries           broken fingers, ballot-finding

chief ally             NA:  universally hated

bond rating        F

Note:  Indiana is a redneck mecca, but in a perfect world it would be part of Chicago just to shut everyone up about where this gun or that came from.


Cuyahoga (CU)

motto                 At Least We’re Not Chicago™

inclusions           Pittsburg, Lebron, anything rusty

exclusions          thoughtful inductions to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

capital                 Cafe Roma on Lorain

population         5M

industries           creating football teams for Baltimore

chief ally             Chicago

bond rating        C-

Note:  I should have just gone ahead and put the entire Great Lakes rim around to Buffalo and maybe even Rochester in Chicago . . . would have saved a lot of typing.


Seneca (SE)

motto                 What to do with Buffalo?

inclusions           Erie, Finger Lakes, Love Canal

exclusions          Pittsburgh and Philly

capital                 Elmyra State Prison

population         unknown

minorities          ice-wine drinkers

industries           smuggling cigarettes from Canada

chief ally             Jabetcha

bond rating        D


Connecticut (CC)

inclusions           Philly, NJ, and parts north

exclusions          upstate

capital                 New Haven

population         50M

minorities          that’s a trick question

industries           reuben sandwiches, serious newspapers

chief ally             Fort Myers

sport                   driving 54MPH in the left-hand lane of I-85 in a flawless 1988 LeBaron convertible

bond rating        D


Tidewater (TW)

motto                 basketball >> football

inclusions           Charlotte, Duke, UNC, DC, the Coast Guard Academy, blue crabs

exclusions          SC, GA, Appalachia

capital                Richmond:  we’ve done this before !

population         28M

minorities          taxpayers

industries           tobacco, flintlocks, Georgian mansions, Edgar Allen Poe conventions

pastimes            making fun of Terps and Wolfpack alumni

bond rating        B-


Aluvius (AV)

state song          Deploria, Sweet Deploria

inclusions           Scots Irish, any state with a per capita tooth-to-tattoo ratio below five

exclusions          anything outside the drainage of the Ohio or the Tennessee

capital                 Cincinnati, but, like the airport, the actual building is in Kentucky

population         24M

minorities          houses without wheels

industries           things that have left Detroit but not yet made it to Mexico

state holiday     Carburetion Day

bond rating        C+


Bama (BM)

inclusions           various low country and the belts:  Cotton, Bible

exclusions          cities with indoor plumbing

capital                 Birmingham

population         19M

minorities          Republicans

industries           I’ll get back to you

pastimes             cooking with rice and making payments on things



Seminole (SM)

nickname           LA (Lower Alabama) and dfw (Destin – Fort Walton)

inclusions           various panhandles

exclusions          people who own shoes

capital                Tallahassee

population         5M if we count stray dogs

minorities          Democrats

industries           pulp mills, that salt life y’all

pastimes            putting up with Yankees

bond rating        B


Orlando (OL)

state song          Banana Boat Song

inclusions           Orlando, Tampa, whatever

exclusions          los otros lugares

capital                 Tampa Bay, since no such town exists

population         5M

minorities          Americans

industries           importing stuff through Panama

pastime              wishing they could vote, wiring money somewhere

bond rating        A-


Okeechobee (OC)

inclusions           Fort Myers, various Palm Beaches

exclusions          Miami

capital                del Boca Vista

population         5M

minorities          Floridians

industries           laying around, sipping, talking about how great New York is

pastime              bitching about how cold New York is

bond rating        A++++++++++++++++++


Miami (MM)

state bird           boa constrictor

inclusions           everything south of the various Palm Beaches

exclusions          Lebron, Fidel

capital                 Hemingway Home

population         5M

minorities          ugly people

industries           importing rum, empty stadia, bitching about Fidel

pastime              naming sons Marco NTTAWWI

bond rating        A


Well, it was funny in my head before I got started and then things just went sideways, so just like drafting the Constitution..


Get ready for Partition Day, January 1, 2022.  Whether you’re a Sooner, a Boat Person, Carpetbagger, or Scalawag:  get where you need to be, find your own people, stake your claim, and get to work!