SEA SMITH GO LOOK FOR COUSIN STEVE SMITH. HE NO FIND – FORGOT COUSIN STEVE GO LIVE HOBO LIFE FOR WHILE. NO SEE BIG STONE HEAD EITHER? THAT MEAN SEA SMITH HAVE GIVE ADVICE TO FUNNY GLIBERTARIAN LAND HOOMANS. IT GOOD ADVICE – BETTER THAN SILLY LAND ADVICE HOOMANS.
HERE IS GOODEST ADVICE!
Q: In these days of COVID-19, and forever hence, may I offer individuals with overt symptoms of sickness (coughing, sneezing, etc.) a spare face mask?
I’ve always been charmed by the ethos of some cultures in Asia, where individuals don them automatically. Over the years, I’ve stewed in silence, particularly trapped on airplanes, while an individual clearly continues to exhibit symptoms of sickness. I usually carry a mask or two for myself, but they are so much more effective in preventing the transmission of germs from the source, rather than shielding one from them.
One can never tell who might be immunocompromised from medical conditions or treatments. So, can I politely say, “I happen to have a spare mask. May I offer it to you?”
A: SEA SMITH SAY “OK, KAREN”. SO YOU NOW SNEEZE SNITCH? YOU KNOW THAT “SNITCHES GET SPEARGUNNED LIKE FISHES”…YOU GIVE AWAY MASK IN BIG SHOWY WAY IF WANT. NO BE SURPRISED IF OTHER HOOMAN TAKE OFFENSE AND THROW HOT COFFEE IN FACE AND SAY “ALL STERILE NOW!” SEA SMITH SUGGEST CRUISE INSTEAD OF AIR FLYING. CRUISE VERY SAFE FROM GERMS!
BUT NOT SAFE FROM SEA SMITH.
Q: My friend “Kate” has had a lot of trauma in her life, and she feels things very deeply. She has experienced assault, the suicide of a close friend, the death of several family members, discovered she can’t have children, and managed to escape an abusive relationship, all in the last five years or so.
Kate does all the things people are supposed to do when coping with grief and is doing very well. The problem is me. I find it hard to be around her because of all the drama. Intellectually, I understand none of this is Kate’s fault. She isn’t being attention-seeking or deliberately causing drama. But I find myself becoming impatient with her ongoing discussion of feelings. I’m not someone who feels deeply or is easily traumatized. Bad things happen, I get over it and move on. How can I learn to be the patient, caring friend she needs?
A: SEA SMITH THINK HER NEED REAL DRAMA – THAT KEEP OTHER STUFF ON BACK FISH BROILER. TELL FRIEND NEED CRUISE, RELAX. SEA SMITH JOIN CRUISE, AND GIVE FRIEND OTHER THING WORRY ABOUT. BY OTHER THING, MEAN RAPE. BY SEA SMITH.
Q: My mother had a beautiful parrot for over a decade until it died five years ago. Ever since then, I’ve gotten a monthly update about “Polly.” (Think: “It’s raining today. Polly always loved the rain,” or “Happy Halloween, missing Polly.”) I understand my mother’s sadness at losing her pet and try to be supportive without letting our entire conversations be about Polly. My father chooses to do “whatever your mother needs” to grieve, which means their house is basically a Polly shrine and discussion of getting another pet is forbidden.
My fiancé and I plan to get married next summer, and my mother has already insisted someone mention Polly during my wedding. Originally, she wanted Polly mentioned in the formal speeches and among the family pictures at the reception, Polly-themed dessert and favors. I put my foot down and said my wedding will not become a bird funeral six years after the fact. My father told her she needs to tone down the Polly demands and told me I should do one small thing (he suggested Polly’s photo incorporated into my mom’s mother-of-the bride corsage). My fiancé privately laughs about the whole thing and says we should just elope anyway. I’m leaning toward eloping just to avoid dealing with my mom’s bird grief on a day that’s supposed to be about the love I have found with my fiancé. What do you think?
A: SEA SMITH SURE THIS ONE REAL. IT TOO SILLY BE FAKE. SEA SMITH SUGGEST MEMORIZE THIS. MAKE FUNNY REMARK ABOUT DEAD PARROT. THAT CHEER UP CRAZY MOM! IF THAT NO WORK – GIVE NEW, NON-PARROT BIRD. SEA SMITH SUGGEST SEA GULL.
MAYBE SEA GULL NOT GOOD AFTERALL.
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE!