ATLANTA – At a press conference, SPLC spokeswoman Joanna Gambolputty warned of the dangerous new document which was recently spotted on 4chan and other alt-right websites. “This hateful screed has inspired numerous acts of violence and is frequently quoted by far-right extremists. Practically every step toward a more tolerant progressive society is being blocked by these so-called Constitutionalists. Well I call them terrorists because that’s what they are.”

Meanwhile MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow noted that it was FDR who defined the freedoms that the government provides: the freedoms of speech and worship and the freedoms from want and fear. As she noted on her show last night “you see there’s nothing in that list about a right to bear arms or state rights or rights of any kind. Rights are a right-wing myth! What there are a freedoms, which the government grants as a *privilege* to those responsible enough to use them. It’s high time we stopped letting ourselves be held hostage to a musty piece of parchment full of scribbles from a bunch of old, slave-owning, white males!” These comments provoked a firestorm of outrage from conservatives and Republicans. “The drive-by media is at it again folks,” said Rush Limbaugh on his most recent progam. He added “these are the same whackjobs who promote flag burning and dope smoking and gay pride and trials by jury for terrorists. I have right now in my formerly nicotine-stained fingers the platform of the Democratic party which I found on the secret dark web site called Wikipedia, which is where that punk Snowden leaked everything. And you know what? There isn’t a single mention of god or America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. None, zip, nada. And now for quick plug for Boll and Branch sheets.” Dark horse presidential hopeful Vermin Supreme commented on the issue as well. “I wear a boot on my head to make a point, which is people who actually hold consistent, rational views on limited government, freedom, and personal responsibility will always be viewed as kooks. Why should I dress and groom like my ideological enemies? Besides, it really pisses off the Karens.”