ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIEND STEVE SMITH HAD BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO, AND FRIEND SEA SMITH IS … BUSY. SO ZARDOZ WILL USE THIS NIGHT TO INSTRUCT THE CHOSEN ONES ON ETIQUETTE, AND CLEANSING.
GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
FIRST UP – THE HORRIBLE ADVICE SOUGHT IN “SLATE”
Q: I have been with my husband (I’m a woman) for almost eight years. We are in our mid-30s, have a good relationship, and are happy. We communicate pretty well and are good partners and co-parents to our three young kids.
Now to the obvious “but”: Sex has started to gross me out. I can’t explain it, but it just seems so nasty. This isn’t really an issue of mismatched libidos—his is slightly higher than mine, but we have always compromised on this well. I still get horny and sometimes masturbate on my own a few times a week, which he doesn’t know about.
A: WHAT CAN YOU DO? REJOICE! YOU HAVE REACHED PENIS SATORI. YOU HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT THE PENIS IS EVIL! WHILE IT IS A SHAME YOU HAVE ALREADY CREATED NEW LIFE, TO PLAGUE THE WORLD WITH THE RACE OF MEN, AS ONCE IT WAS…AT LEAST YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE IN YOUR HEART.
NEXT, WE MOVE TO “MANNERS”
Q: Could you please advise me on the acceptability of blowing on one’s soup to cool it before eating? Is this a practice that can be done only en famille?
If it is ever proper, what is the right way to do it: to blow on a spoonful or on the cup or bowl? How gently or vigorously may one blow? If it is never proper, why not?
If it would be proper but for a family member objecting to it, which family member trumps: the one who thinks it disgusting, or the one who fears scalding her tongue?
A: FORTUNE, AND REASONABLE SOUP TEMPERATURES, FAVORS THE BOLD. SHOULD ANY OBJECT, SMASH THEIR FACE DOWN INTO THEIR SOUP, HOLDING THEM THERE UNTIL THE FILTH OF THEIR BRUTALITY IS CLEANSED. SHOULD ANY EXPRESS DISMAY AT YOUR ACTION – CLAIM “HANGRINESS”.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.