ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. FRIEND STEVE SMITH IS BACK HOBOING. FRIEND SEA SMITH IS BUSY. THUS, ZARDOZ HAS BEEN ASKED TO IMPART WISDOM TO THE CHOSEN ONES, BY DESTROYING BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS, WITH FACTS, AND LOGIC. THUS, WITH THE CERTAIN TRUTHS OF THE VORTEX (THE PENIS IS EVIL, THE GUN IS GOOD) AT YOUR SIDE, GO FORTH AND COMMENT!
FIRST UP, THE BRUTAL “DEAR ABBY“.
Q: My girlfriend and I have been separated for nearly a year. Prior to this we dated for nearly four years.
After her mom passed, she fell into a depression and was grieving deeply. I went to see her and she said it was over. We’ve had some contact, but it has dwindled to nothing. I brought my cat into the relationship, and now she won’t give it back. She isn’t answering my phone calls or texts. I’m blocked. I’ve tried letters and had friends try to talk to her. It’s just mind-boggling.
She’s 57 years old. She’s not a spring chicken. I will have to go to small claims court to get my cat back. I’d like to salvage the relationship and try to avoid all this.
A: SHE MUST BE CLEANSED! SHE MUST BE CLEANSED AT ONCE! KITTEH MUST BE RETURNED HOME… ZARDOZ ONLY TOO WELL REMEMBERS HIS OWN KITTY, MR. WHISKERS. WHO WAS THE BEST KITTY EVER.
THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ IT IS BEST TO CEASE RUNNING THE MEMORY CIRCUITS ASSOCIATED WITH HIS KITTY, MR. WHISKERS. WHO WAS THE BEST KITTY EVER.
SO, ONCE YOU HAVE ANNIHILATED THE CATSTEALER, LIFE WILL BE BETTER.
NEXT, THE MEWLING BRUTAL AT SLATE, DEAR PRUDENCE.
Q: Five years ago my best friend, “Jane,” started dating “Scott.” Eventually Jane and I fell out because I didn’t support their relationship. He was rude, often undermined her, and was a passionate Trump supporter. (Jane and I are not Trump supporters.) Recently they broke up, and Jane and I were subsequently able to make up. She told me that he’d been “acting bizarrely,” and discovered he frequented white supremacist forums online. Jane is Black. She learned he had claimed to his racist buddies that he was only with her for the money (she paid for everything), that he was disgusted by physical contact with her, and that he would never have children with her because it would taint his bloodline.
I decided to submit an anonymous tip to the FBI about Scott’s online involvement in white supremacy, hoping someone would keep tabs on him in case he ever escalated to violence. I stand by that decision and don’t regret it. But when Jane found out, she was furious, saying I should have trusted her to make the call. She has cut me out of her life. I’m disappointed because I truly value her friendship and did not do this to undermine her. I want to support my friend. Did I make the right call? What should I do?
A: AH, ZARDOZ HAS FOUND A WOKE, ULTRAKAREN! THIS MUST BE REPORTED TO THE ETERNALS IN THE VORTEX. REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, MS. STASI OF THE CURRENT DAY. YOU WILL BE PICKED UP BY THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS, AND EXAMINED AT THE VORTEX. CERTAINLY THEY WILL WISH TO SEE HOW YOU MANAGE TO BREATHE WITHOUT CONSCIOUS EFFORTS.
P.S. ODDS AGAINST THIS ONE BEING REAL ARE BEYOND THE TABERNACLE’S ABILITY TO DETERMINE.
Q: When leaving the house, am I under an obligation to “look good”?
I’ve had family tell me to cover my head during a bad hair day because “you can’t go out with your hair like that,” or to throw out clothing with minor flaws because “that’s the way you are supposed to do it.”
I find rather offensive the idea that I should wear a hat so that persons on the street don’t have to look at my “ugly hairdo,” and it is extremely wasteful to throw away clothing merely because a thread caught on something and it created a tiny hole. (My budget also won’t allow for this.)
Am I under an obligation to give strangers something nice to look at when I am out running errands, or am I allowed to stick to the standards of “my clothing is decent, and is daywear” and “I washed and brushed my hair”?
A: ZARDOZ UNDERSTANDS. YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT SOME OF THE ETERNALS STUMBLE AROUND LOOKING LIKE.
IF YOU CAN MANAGE TO LOOK BETTER THAN SOMEONE WHO PUT A TERRYCLOTH ON THEIR HEAD, AND USED A MARKER TO PEN ON A GOATEE – YOU SHOULD BE FINE.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.