Called to Glibs HQ on a Friday. Gee, I wonder what that could be about…
“Just don’t. I know you’ve got me…is it one or all of them?”
Mex looked a bit deflated, it must have been a really good set-up, but was still wearing a bit of a triumphant grin. OMWC refused to let my surrender deflate his joy one bit.
“We put some raclette in the break room for you, if that helps. Might I add, that was over Mad Scientist’s very strong objections.”
“CHEESE IS EVIL!!” Mad Scientist made a warding sign with both hands.
I heard a *thwack* and looked over to see SP cornering a server squirrel, trying to bash it with a detached broom handle.
Jesse was still recovering from the 55 gallon lube drum falling off the loading dock and bashing in to him. Riven was calling in remote, by video… OK, no help on site, lets just get this rolling.
“Fine, all three it is then. Someone help me into my armor, and open the interview room vault door.”
Good Evening Glibs, it is time, once again, for the Cryptid All Star Advice Round up. We are…fortunate enough to have all 3 of our Cryptid contributors here tonight. So, without further delay, lets hear from them. First up, our Senior CLEANSING Correspondent, ZARDOZ. What advice do you have for us, ZARDOZ?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. SO MUCH MISINFORMATION! ZARDOZ WILL LEAD THE CHOSEN ONES AWAY FROM IT, AND TO THE CORRECT PATH. THE POOR ADVICE GIVEN BY THE BRUTALS SHALL BE COUNTERED.
Q: About 40 years ago, I did someone an injustice, and I have felt guilty ever since. I worked for a consulting firm in Washington, D.C., that fired an accounting clerk who was in my small office. I didn’t know why she was fired, and I never heard a cross word exchanged between her and her supervisor. She seemed to be capable and friendly.
A prospective employer called me for a reference, and because my company told me that it did not respond to requests for references, I didn’t give her one. Ever since, I have wished I had shared what I knew about her. If I was allowed a do-over, I would have told the employer about my positive experience with her and my belief that she was capable and friendly. Her being Black and not having my reference may have increased her difficulty in finding a job. I am sharing this with your readers so they may avoid making a similar mistake.
A: ZARDOZ IS MILDLY NAUSEATED BY YOUR WEAKNESS. BUT THE TABERNACLE HAS INFORMED ZARDOZ THAT BRUTAL CULTURE HAS A REMEDY FOR SUCH A SITUATION:
YOU PAY FOR YOUR GUILT, ZARDOZ GETS A CLEANSING, WIN-WIN.
ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Harsh, but not entirely unexpected… thank you ZARDOZ. Next up, our Chief Cascadia Correspondent, STEVE SMITH. Back from hoboing and visiting Mexican Sharpshooter, eh STEVE?
STEVE SMITH HAPPY BE BACK. HIM ALSO HAVE MOOSE ANTLERS IN POCKET. HAHAHAHAHA! STEVE SMITH MAKE GOOD JOKE. HIM ALSO MAKE GOOD ADVICE. BETTER THAN SILLY SLATE HOOMAN.
Q: I had a wedding planned for the end of July that my fiancé and I decided to cancel. We live near his family and decided we would all quarantine for two weeks and then have a small family celebration when everyone’s in town next month. I’ve always dreamed of a big wedding, so I’ve been going back and forth. That was until my fiancé’s brother, Tom, got here. I’d only met him once over Christmas, but he couldn’t stay for long because he went to spend part of the holiday with his girlfriend (whom he has since broken up with). He lives on the other side of the country, so he hasn’t been back much. When I first met him, he had a lot of qualities that I thought I didn’t like. I finally got to spend some quality time with Tom and realize he is actually an amazing guy. I feel really confused. My fiancé is everything I’ve dreamed of since I was a teenager. I think Tom might be the person I never knew I wanted. I’m really torn about what I should do. I thought I wouldn’t see Tom much after he left in a few weeks, but he told me he’s thinking about moving back. I don’t think it would be hard to get my fiancé to put the wedding on hold until we can have something big, but am I being ridiculous in thinking this will somehow buy me time to figure out what I want? Am I delusional in thinking that leaving my fiancé for Tom would ever work out with the family dynamics? How can I figure this out?
A: HAHA! YOU NO FOOL STEVE SMITH. HIM KNOW YOU REALLY TRY GET REALITY SHOW – THIS JUST PITCH. “90 DAY FIANCE BROTHERS”. ON CHANCE THIS NO FAKE, STEVE SMITH UNDERSTAND… HIM GOING SAY HI TO CAMPER (BY SAY HI, MEAN RAPE) THEN HIKER CATCH EYE. WHAT DO? RAPE BOTH. YOU DO SAME. MOVE PLACE THAT OK WITH MARRY BOTH. THEN SEE WHAT HAPPEN. STEVE SMITH PREDICT NO SUCCESS.
That was…surprisingly on target, STEVE. Thanks for that. That brings us to our Maritime Mayhem Correspondent, SEA SMITH. SEA, what do you have for our audience?
SEA SMITH GIVE ADVICE, YEA! HE DO BETTER THAN OLD LAND HOOMAN. HE SMART AND KNOW HOW TELL WHAT DO!
Q: I am fortunate to live near numerous public parks. These parks have two parallel lanes: one for bikes/rollerblades and another for foot traffic. The rules for which lane to use are well-known and well-posted.
Sometimes I encounter foot traffic in the bike lane. This is both an annoyance and a safety concern, as I may need to go over a barrier or onto the grass to avoid a collision. It doesn’t really bother me if people walk along the edge or briefly drift onto the bike lane to avoid obstacles, but those that walk down the middle of the bike lane drive me nuts.
I have taken to saying “You’re in the bike lane” as I zip past. This alerts them and allows them to correct their position if it was inadvertently chosen.
But honestly, my comment is intended — and received — as a scold, and sometimes embarrasses them, as others hear it. It’s also strictly true, so there’s that. I never look back after passing, as I don’t want to further escalate nor encourage them to shout a retort.
Will Miss Manners allow this? Or how else can I respond?
A: YOU JUST CAUSE TROUBLE AND NO FIX PROBLEM. NEXT TIME, STOP, WRAP IN TENTACLES AND RAPE PEDESTRIAN. SAY “NOW YOU NO WALK IN LANE!” … THAT WHAT SEA SMITH DO. BUT LAND HOOMANS NO HAVE TENTACLES, SO YOU STUCK WITH BE JERK, OR SLOW DOWN, DUMMY.
COME ON IN, WATER IS FINE.
Um, thanks, I think… SEA. Well, that will do for this installment of the Cryptid Allstar Roundup.
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!