WASHINGTON DC – At a press conference today, CNN reporter Jim Acosta confronted Trump on his alleged disparaging remarks about fallen US soldiers buried in France. “Mr. President, why did you call fallen US soldiers suckers and losers? Do you hate America or just its military?” Trump responded by saying: “First, let me thank you for that very, very smart question. I can tell you’re great reporter for asking such a tremendous question. I never said that, but even if I did, dead soldiers probably vote Democrat anyway, like other dead people, so why should I care?” Trump then shrugged and sipped from a can of Diet Coke.
Trump’s odds stand in stark contrast to Democratic military heroes such as distinguished tank commander Michael Dukakis, amphibious warfare pioneer John Kerry, and pharmacological researcher Hunter Biden. The press conference room erupted, but Trump angrily shouted over the reporters. “OK, geniuses, it’s my turn to talk now”, said Trump as he crushed the Diet Coke can on his forehead. “Let’s talk Pelosi. I hate the military and she likes it? OK, then she should get her next haircut from the Army then. I hear they do haircuts really quickly and cheaply.”
Meanwhile, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) introduced her plan to overhaul the military to make it more sensitive and fair. “We must rebuild our military in order to fight against real threats like climate change, sexism, intolerance, and wealth inequality”, she said as she read off her neon pink Barbie smartphone. Some of the changes to basic training include replacing outdated and notoriously problematic events like rifle marksmanship and obstacle courses. Instead, the soldiers will hold hands, sing Kumbayah, and share poems about their feelings. Ocasio-Cortez even offered a preview of a new recruiting commercial created by her and her staff. In it, young women with exciting multi-colored hair and stylish nose rings order young men to march around in high heels while they berate them for their toxic masculinity.
“The 21st century will bring new challenges to America”, said defense analyst Joanna Gambolputty. “How will the US dominate battlefields of the future without the unique contributions of gender studies majors or diversity experts? It is vital to make the military more attractive to these quality candidates. My message to Trump is clear: Mr. President, we cannot allow a social justice gap!”