FORT RUCKER – “This magnificent machine represents a new era in aerial warfare: the marriage of state of the art firepower with the principles of dignity, respect, and social justice”, said Major General Joanna Gambolputty during the unveiling. “Let our enemies fear and tremble before the awesome might of our PP: the Peaceful Protester”, she added. The helicopter’s armament includes eight “Hey-Hey, Ho-Ho” (formerly “Hellfire”) anti-tank missiles, 38 “Imagine” (formerly “Hydra”) rockets, and1,200 rounds for its 30 mm “We Shall Overcome” autocannon. Fighter ace Senator Dick Blumnethal was in the cockpit for its maiden flight. “She’s a real humdinger. It takes me back to my days of dodging flak and dueling with the Red Baron in the skies of Korea during Vietnam” said Blumenthal. “That was a war, you know. A war with fighting, that I fought in”, added Blumenthal as he put a cigarette in his lips and lit the filter tip. In the wake of the George Floyd protests for racial justice, the Army has faced increasing pressure to change problematic names. Fort Lee, named after Confederate general Robert E Lee is at the top the list. “Even though there are nine other Army bases named after Confederate generals, the only one most people have heard of is Lee, so now we only need to change one name”, said Gambolputty. “The easiest solution would be to simply say it is named in honor of Bruce Lee. Everybody likes kung fu, so that was that. What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wah-taaaaah! That’s my kids’ favorite joke”, added Gambolputty who was promoted to her current rank as a reward for solving the conundrum. Critics have pointed out that the PP’s biodegradable ammo is vulnerable to spoiling and that the aircraft lacks a wheelchair access ramp. In lieu of traditional camouflage, the PP will be painted rainbow colors to show LGBT inclusion. The front sides of the chopper will be be painted to resemble the face of a snarling unicorn, though test pilots have complained that the horn obstructs visibility. Other Army helicopters named after Native Americans are also up for name changes, including the Black Hawk and the Chinook. “Nothing is set in stone yet, but re-naming the UH-60 Black Hawk as Ma-ka-tai-me-she-kia-kiak is the obvious choice” said Gambolputty, “It just rolls off the tongue.”