After a long and (I’ll be nice) tiresome process in determining whether or not the local schools are reopening, the district my kids attend finally bit the bullet and let my kids in—in phases.

The younger of the two are already attending while my oldest will finally allow me to do anything on Zoom while working from home prior to 0830.  Why you ask, that’s the boy’s first class of the day, how can he bother you?  That first class of his day is band.

This is my review of El Segundo Brewery’s Steve Austin’s Broken Skull IPA:

The tiresome part of the process is that I assume whatever decision is made will be the least reasonable out of a plethora of already unreasonable options.  No matter how low I set the bar for the school to figure their way around “opening safely“ they find new ways to surprise me.  This is the protocol for band:

Band Room

* The band rooms will be set up with social distancing. Each member of the band will have at least 6′ x 6′ of space to utilize during class

* Students will be assigned their own locker. The size of the locker will depend on the size of the instrument. Students may keep all band materials and instrument in their locker.

* When needed, we will be using the Percussion room. That room will also be set up for social distancing.

* There will be an “In” door and an “Out” door, so that classes are not entering and exiting from the same location.

* Hand gel and disinfectant spray will be available, however it is recommended that students also carry their own in their backpacks.

Okay, fine. Placate the neurotic parents.  So far so good.

Safety Protocols

* Masks must be worn at all times. Masks for wind instruments will be provided (see below).

* [Band teacher] will teach from a very safe distance

* All brass players will need to use Puppy Pads. This is to collect condensation (spit valve), during class. Brass students will need to throw away their pad at the end of each class. It is recommended that brass students buy their own pads, but [Band teacher] will purchase a couple packets of spares. A box of 50 should last the entire semester. Here is a link to Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/puppy-pads/s?k=puppy+pads

* All wind instruments, except for flutes will be provided with a bell cover.

* Rehearsals will be limited to 30 minutes of playing music with with instruments.

I like they are collecting and culturing students’ condensate.

Daily Routine

* Students will enter the room with masks, go to their locker and find their seat, which will be indicated on their stand.

Did The Simpsons predict this?

* Students (except for percussion) will be provided a mask for band use only. The mask has a slit in the middle to fit a mouthpiece inside. Flutes will insert their instrument into the side of the mask while playing. The masks will be distributed to each student on the first day back. They will be in a ziplock bag with each student’s name on the outside. The masks may be reused by the same student, as long as they are only used during band class, and the masks are placed back into the bag and sealed. [Band teacher] will replace the masks when necessary. Students will be instructed when to remove their cloth masks and put on their band masks.

* All students will get set up in their area before taking out instruments. This will include taking out all of their band music and materials. Brass players will set up their Puppy Pads at this time. The playing of instruments can ONLY occur when [Band teacher] says it’s OK.

* In person learning will be 74 minutes long. The guidelines for rehearsing is limited to 30 minutes of playing. [Band teacher] will therefore structure the class in two parts, with a break in the middle in which students can take a walk outside and get some fresh air.

The good news, children with any reasonable intelligence will be turned off from participating with the rest of humanity as soon as it is feasible.  Why wear a mask at all if you need to manipulate a mouthpiece through a hole in order to play it? Whatever you are trying to keep in the mask is getting launched and amplified.  I assume the issued bell cover will stay with the student.  There was no explanation as to how they planned to apply the puppy training pads since not every brass instrument can rest easily on the bell.  A trombone for example might need a table to rest the bell with the slide overhanging.  If they plan to affix them to the bell to capture the evil spirits from being launched from the brass section at high speeds…I might have to get a recording of this muffled school band conducted by a guy in a separate room.

It is infortunate my kid is in the brass section, because all of those kids are clearly going to die while the percussion section sits safely in a separate room, when necessary.  Because somebody will ask, how can I just sit here and let this happen to my own kid?

Public schools reliably convince people of the practical incompetence of government better than I ever could.  So why impede that process?  I’m also doing something; I’m making fun of them on the internet.

When I bought this beer I planned to roll with the obvious triple entendres of The $6 Million Man, the guy overshadowed historically by Sam Houston, and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.  I assume this has to do with the wrestler because its a pretty brutal IPA.  If thats your thing, you’ll probably give it a HELLYEAH.  I’m still not into it. El Seguno Brewery’s Steve Austin’s Broken Skull IPA:  2.5/5.