CYDONIA – Gunfire sounds from every direction on this typical evening on the red planet. Experts say the guns are most likely smuggled from Indiana, a mere 43 million miles away. “Indiana needs to step up and ban the sale of exploding radium bullets”, said xenocrimnilogist Joanna Gambolputty. “It’s well known that anyone can travel from Indiana to Mars without having to worry about being pulled over and having their ship inspected for contraband.” Meanwhile, warlord and community organizer Tars Tarkas suggested tackling the root causes. “The red Martians used to give us tribute, which paid for youth after-war programs such as white ape hunting and the construction of giant stone faces. All gone now. So we fight until the our eggs begin to hatch. Then fight again. I have spoken.”

But hope is in the thin, barely breathable air with the arrival of John Carter, founder of the Thark Lives Matter movement. “I have lived and fought with this noble race for many years. It is high time for everyone on Barsoom to put down the guns, come together, and fight with swords like true warriors. Unless there are any Apaches here. Trust me, you really don’t want to fight Apaches without a gun. How I hate those damn savage injuns!”

“So-called Thark-on-Thark crime has a long history as a racist dog whistle”, said Gambolputty. “We don’t see Tharks shooting each other in progressive cities with tough gun laws like Minneapolis. No, it is only on red planets run by laissez-faire conservatives like the Kaldanes that we see such things. And you can see the results: dead sea bottoms as far as the eye can see, drought, famine, war, crime and beautiful wildlife such the magnificent Blue Plant Kangaroos being hunted for sport on the shores of the Lost Sea of Korus.”

“What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?” said Indiana governor Eric Holcomb. “I don’t know a darn thing about Barsoom, Tharks, ray guns, Holy Therns or whatever else. And I sure as heck don’t know what any of it has to do with the Hoosier State. And if you want to see scenery from another planet, why not visit our lovely Indiana Dunes National Park? It’s the 14th most popular in the country. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a long and well-deserved vacation.”

Holcomb then retired to a secluded tomb-like structure with a door that could only be opened from the inside. On Mars, there have been rumors that the legendary warlord Ah Rig Hol Kum has returned from his long exile with the weapons he promised, saying: “Hear me, o Warhoons! With these Red Ryder BB guns, we will sweep aside our foes as the winds of Barsoom blow the dust. It will be as in the days of the great Jeddak Ral Fee Par Kur of Ham Mond! Now follow me, for it is a good day to die!”