CLEVELAND – “First off, it’s a GIRL-cott, not a boycott, and the difference is very important”, said Joanna Gambolputty, Associate Professor of Women Studies at Oberlin College. Ms. Gambolputty is also an activist in the ignorance positivity movement, which seeks to break down the stigma associated with the differently-informed. “At a time when more girls than ever are struggling in school, it’s high time we speak out against Jeopardy! for its rampant sexism. Only 40% of the contestants are women and men are 70% of the winners. Seven of the nine writers are male, as are four of the five researchers. These are the sad facts of the Trivia Gap.”

Ms. Gambolputty advocates an aggressive set of changes to the show’s format. “Far too many clues are about dead white males like Shakespeare. It’s insane to expect the average woman to be able to relate to such an obscure writer. Women need topics they can relate too, like shoes, soap operas, and the latest pop songs. This is the sensible way to promote gender equity in trivia games.” Meanwhile, another group of activists called Smart At Any IQ advocates a quota program so that the least intelligent get a guaranteed portion of space in newspapers and scientific journals. Paris Hilton, the unofficial spokeswoman of the group, is leading the way with her article in the Journal of Fluid Mechanics. The paper, entitled “Bedazzling Navier-Stokes” features a bold retake of the classic equations. Written in hot pink with a stylish cursive font, the differentials come to life and seem to dance with the festive glitter lightly sprinkled throughout.

“I’m proud to be a role model for stupid people everywhere” said Ms. Hilton. “If I can get just one girl interested in makeup and expensive purses, it will all be worth it.”