PORTLAND – “We’ve decided to join forces to achieve our common goals”, said Imperial Cyclops Leroy Jenkins. “Our message is clear: white men, white women: the swastika and/or the anarchist A is calling you. At long last, you have a movement where your voice will be heard.” His Antifa counterpart, Joanna Gambolputty of the Portland Genderqueer Nazi Punchers Collective added “this movement will bridge the divide between frustrated, working-class, busybody whites and frustrated, middle-class, busybody whites. Harmony will reign with the ruthless suppression of all dissent.”

Jenkins elaborated that their shared interests include keeping blacks poor and powerless, a ruling class dominated by white Anglo-Saxon Protestant men, the use of mob violence to help Democrats win, and a relentless propaganda campaign aimed at recruiting the young and alienated. Reactions to the merger were mixed, with the ACLU, the SPLC, and the NAACP both praising and condemning different halves the group.

One of the newest Klantifa members is Oswald Bates, an aspiring painter who works part time as a bartender. “I was rejected by my father and then from art school. So began my struggle. But I feel a great sense of hope for this lost nation; that it will emerge from darkness and free itself from the shackles of international capitalism. Soon, we will march in the streets with our flag held high. Our lost comrades will be with us in spirit. We will have our space to live even if we must spill blood on the ground. Onward to Victory!” When asked if Klantifa would be merging with the Illinois Nazis, Jenkins said “No. We hate those guys. Splitters!”

Meanwhile, prominent Democrats voiced both criticism and support for the new movement. “Some of them, I assume are good people, very fine people even”, said Joe Biden. “But the rest are a bunch of lying, dog-faced pony soldiers! I’d bet a silver dollar against a wooden nickel none of those chumps and clowns could do even a single push-up. Folks, when I was a kid, I remember seeing FDR on the TV, walking tall and telling everybody things would be alright. And you know what? Even though the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, we still beat Ho Chi Minh and his dreaded King Kong 20-0 in that hockey game. I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love. Don’t stop believing!”