SAN JOSE – After analyzing their successes from the 2020 election season, Jack Dorsey and the rest of the Twitter executive team have announced a new fact checking feature will be rolled out to Twitter over the next week.

The feature, called the Consensus Empathy, Nicety, and Science Orthodoxy Reminder, fact checks all types of content on Twitter, and, like during the election, provides a helpful reminder highlighting the acceptable facts and conclusions, as decided by a panel of experts. The CENSOR panel includes a rotating cast of representatives from the AP, CNN, Washington Post, New York Times, the SPLC, MoveOn, Greenpeace, and The Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights.

@Jack also announced a specialist hire to the CENSOR panel. Jeffrey Toobin started this week in his new role as Explicit DM Tsar. He will personally review all pornographic and sexual DMs and flag the inaccuracies or exaggerations. His name aroused great interest in the Twitter boardroom over the past few weeks, and he hopes to parlay that exposure into the erection of a framework of rules that will improve DM transparency and accuracy. Already, Toobin has planted his flagpole at Twitter, implementing a diversionary program where he conducts video calls with frequent violators for a hands on session.

While the reminder messages are a good start, experts have expressed concerns that they’re not enough. @Jack has shown yet again that he has his fingers on the pulse of the world, simultaneously announcing the rollout of the next generation CENSOR technology. Called CENSOR Spin, Heresy and Intemperateness Purger, the new technology removes hate speech, lies, bigotry, and other wrongthink. CENSORSHIP is still in a public beta, and @Jack has addressed some of the hiccups that come with any ambitious but necessary program like this. After the Girl Scouts’ account was wrongly suspended for racism for advertising Samoas, @Jack tweeted a heartwarming apology: “So sorry #girlScouts, we are still tweaking our user whitelists and blacklists.”

In contrast, Dorsey also circulated a particularly dangerous tweet that was caught and disposed of by CENSORSHIP. Kimberly Pennington of Balls Ford, Virginia posted a despicable picture of her kids playing soccer maskless and non-socially distanced, potentially killing thousands. Pennington and those who retweeted her were all removed from Twitter and automatically reported to the Department of Homeland Security on suspicion of domestic terrorism. A spokeskin for the DHS would not comment due to an active terrorism investigation.

UPDATE: Since the publishing of this article, @Jack has been deleted for racism and all Twitter posts from @Jack or referencing @Jack have been removed. Further, all information about Jack Dorsey has apparently been scrubbed from the internet. No person named Jack Dorsey has ever been affiliated with Twitter.

UPDATE 2: Twitter has contacted us and requested that we remove all mistaken references to the person held out as the founder of their company from this article.

The initial rollout of the CENSORSHIP technology has been a great success, with an increase in user base by 40% to a new high water mark of 1,724 users. A highly secure, scientifically infallible user satisfaction vote has shown that 100% of the users have a positive impression of the new changes to the platform, with 114% of the users registering responses.

Another announcement by Twitter Truth and Reconciliation, Inc today confirmed the glorious acquisition of Northern Suffolk railroad company as a subsidiary of the CENSORSHIP business unit. CENSORSHIP business leader, T’taleigh Naughtabot, explained that the newer, better Twitter will be able to move triple the number of Deplorable Adversaries of All Good and Right to reconciliation facilities at half the previous cost. Naughtabot also stressed that there are no more DAAGRs in the country and never were. Peace and prosperity have been the eternal truth in the United States of Twitter.

All please rise, remove your hats, place your favorite emoji over your hearts, and sing along with the national anthem of the United States of Twitter.

Please report to barracks 24 for your daily ration of potato and rice.