CHICAGO – “The government is really being absurd about this pandemic” said Hugh Jass as a TSA agent patted him down for hidden weapons before Jass boarded a flight to Phoenix. “I mean, if you look at the numbers, the risk is really minuscule and the cost of the precautions is outrageous. And even despite the extreme measures, if anything, the situation has gotten worse” said Jass as he recovered his shoes and belt from the x-ray machine while holding up his pants with one hand.

But according to leading infectious disease expert Dr. Joanna Gambolputty, there could be dire consequences if Americans let their guard down. “If you see something, say something. And pay attention to the color-coded alert system.” Jass remains skeptical, however, adding that “if you look at it on the basis of cost vs benefit, there’s no rational justification for it. It’s just feels over reals. It really seems like there are people profiting off this fear and have every incentive to keep it going as long as possible rather than actually deal with the problem in a sensible way.” Jass then recovered his TSA-approved travel-size liquids stored in a clear baggie.

But according to Dr. Gambolputty “our heroes on the front-lines need our support. If we fight among ourselves, the terrorists, ah I mean the virus, will win.” Elsewhere, The Office President Elect Joe Biden proposed a new Virus Defense Agency to ensure that a similar pandemic never strikes the US again. “This new VDA would also stimulate a flagging economy as the unemployed are hired as Public Health Guardian Angels, who will enforce proper mask wear and social distancing.” Critics warn that a new agency would simply add confusion to the already bloated public health sector. “We spend more on public health than several of the next highest spending countries combined”, continued Jass,”and as far as I can tell, we aren’t any healthier.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert addressed the issue from his ultra-secure National Virus Response Command Post located deep the isolated, rugged terrain of Hawaii. “The price of freedom, I mean health, is eternal vigilance” said Fauci as he scanned the horizon through binoculars. “It’s a bit tricky, you know. It turns out the big side faces away from your eyes” said Fauci of the binoculars. “I guess I’m so used to putting my eye on the big side what from all the time I spent using a microscope.” Dr. Fauci, whose new call-sign is Ghost Viper 007, is head of the elite Alpha Strike Force, consisting the nation’s top men except President Trump. “What a bunch of losers. Sad!” said Trump of the task force in a tweet. Twitter has flagged the tweet as containing misinformation.