NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo, in a feat of graciousness fit for a jolly man in a red suit, provided a list of superior alternatives to the tired, COVID-unfriendly Christmas traditions that people endure every year.
“Why bother pretending that you like your unmutual family, when you can celebrate Covidmas on a zoom call with our wrongthink tracers, erm, I mean, Covidmas cheer specialists?”
Cuomo, well known for his impeccable taste and humility, suggested an array of fantastic games and work exercises for a gratifying Covidmas day.
For a game that is great fun and also benefits the cause, Cuomo suggested “Pin the Pandemic on a Heretic”. In this game, the player must recite a Governor approved reason why the public should ignore the Governor’s endangerment of nursing homes and why the heavy COVID toll in New York is due to Governor Cuomo’s detractors. A Covidmas cheer specialist will rate your excuse and decide whether you require re-education.
For those who want to get some fresh air on Covidmas day, Cuomo suggests a fun game of “Martyrdom on 34th Street”. You go into the street to protest social injustice and throw yourselves in front of passing cars while on camera. The more realistic your video and the more gruesome your injuries, the more fake Twitter followers are added to your account.
Those who are fond of the traditions are asked to do more to empower their communities in these troubling times. Christians, Republicans, and other wrongthinkers have been automatically enrolled in a great, wholesome game of Grinch. They must dress in green leotards, sneak down the chimneys of gun owners’ houses, and steal all the guns. In order to ensure that everybody has fun with this great social game, participants’ bank accounts have been frozen and their families have been interned in FEMA camps.
For those who are the most contemplative during the holiday season, Cuomo has provided a reading list to find the true meaning of Covidmas. On the list are perennial favorites like the Communist Manifesto and Rules for Radicals, as well as hot new additions like How to Lie With Statistics and How To Rig an Election. Mandatory book clubs will be hosted on the hour, every hour, and covidmas cheer specialists will be testing your retention. Those who haven’t sufficiently embraced the true meaning of covidmas will be gifted a train trip to a book retreat at a local FEMA camp.
Cuomo is very excited about this year’s holiday season and has shared a covidmas card from his family to all constituents. The card, drawn in the traditional political poster style, cost $1.2M and portrays a beatified Cuomo dressed in a red coat and stocking hat and embracing the Empire State building while blasting a stylized coronavirus with his laser penis. Seen in the corner is an array of deplorables strung up on crosses: Christians, right-wingers, gun nuts, unmasked people, and straight white men. Cuomo has since been nominated for a Carnegie Prize, an Emmy, a Grammy, and a Nobel Peace Prize for his covidmas card.