Laws of The Animalverse
These are fundamental laws, like the three laws of thermodynamics, or the speed of light and the rate of radioactive decay. Over the years I have identified these fundamental laws of the universe, some by experience, some by example, some by research. These shall henceforth be known as Animalversal Laws, and I have put them forth here for the edification of all Glibs. So, by category:
Animal’s Law of Campfires: The ideal spot for a camp chair will always be downwind from the campfire.
- Rat’s Corollary to Animal’s Law of Campfires: The availability of suitable places for a camp chair is causally related to the smokiness of the campfire. Smokier fire = fewer places to place a chair.
- Animal’s Law of Big Game: When hunting, while in the hunting grounds, you will see every imaginable species and sex of big game except the one you have a license to hunt.
- Rat’s Corollary to Animal’s Law of Big Game: When hunting, any of the species and sex of big game you have a license to hunt will be sighted on private land and therefore off-limits.
- Animal’s First Law of Fishing: The spot six feet down the bank from where you are located on a crowded river is always where the fish are biting.
- Animal’s Second Law of Fishing: Fishhooks will always become embedded in your flesh in a place that is impossible to reach on your own and embarrassing to ask for help with.
- Animal’s Law of Skunks: The chances of one encountering an angry skunk while on an outing are directly related to the chances that one is wearing a new coat.
- Animal’s Law of Porcupines: The aggressiveness of a hunting dog towards small mammals is directly related to the likelihood of said dog’s encountering a porcupine.
- Animal’s Law of Snakes: Rattlesnakes are always encountered at the worst possible moment.
- Animal’s Law of Weather: Any weather condition inconvenient for one’s planned activity will occur during that activity.
Vehicles and Driving
- Animal’s Law of Inverse Bumper Sticker Intelligence: The number of bumper stickers on a car is directly related to the odds of the driver being a complete imbecile. The content of the bumper stickers is irrelevant to the functioning of the Law. More bumper stickers = greater odds of the driver being a drooling moron.
- Animal’s Law of Rush Hour: The amount of time you have to reach a destination is inversely related to the number of red lights you will hit. Less time = more red lights.
- Animal’s Law of Left Lane Vigilantes: On any multi-lane highway, the number of people driving at five miles per hour under the speed limit in the left lane rises as the square of the total number of vehicles on the road.
- Animal’s First Law of Four-Wheel-Drive: A good, honest 4×4 wears its rock chips and branch scrapes with pride. Shiny, unmarked 4x4s, unless brand new and still on the showroom floor, are unnatural.
- Animal’s Second Law of Four-Wheel-Drive: On icy streets, you may be able to get going a little faster, but you can’t stop any faster.
- Animal’s First Law of Off-Roading: If you think you might high-center your truck, you will.
- Animal’s Second Law of Off-Roading: The farther you are from the highway when you blow a tire, the greater the probability of your spare being flat.
Society and Behavior
- Animal’s Law of Public Cellular Phone Stupidity: Stupid people talk on their cellular phones in public places at an average of three times the decibel level of normal people. This phenomenon also scales up in a logarithmic acceleration: The stupider the phone user, the louder they talk.
- Animal’s Law of Supermarket Aisles: The likelihood of a person completely blocking an entire supermarket aisle for more than ten minutes is directly proportional to their weight.
- Animal’s First Law of Public Restrooms: The morning after a dinner of extremely hot Mexican food will be the same morning when the only available public restroom runs out of paper.
- Animal’s Second Law of Public Restrooms: If the Animal’s First Law of Public Restrooms does not apply, the last available stall in a public restroom will always be the one next to the person who had a dinner of extremely hot Mexican food the night before.
- Animal’s Third Law of Public Restrooms: In the case of Animal’s Second Law of Public Restrooms, the person in the next stall’s disbelief in the necessity of courtesy flushes is directly proportional to the vileness of the excretions emitted.
- Animal’s Fourth Law of Public Restrooms: The reason women go to the restroom in groups is so they can talk about men. The reason men go to the restroom alone is so they don’t have to talk.
- Animal’s Laws of Urinal Use: When approaching a bank of urinals, one should always select the one farthest away from any other users. When approaching a bank of three unused urinals, one should never select the middle urinal in case another user appears. When performing micturition at the urinal, one shall not make eye contact with any other users.
- Portnoy’s Corollary to the Laws of Urinal Use: If you shake it more than twice, you’re jerking off.
- Animal’s Second Law of Conversation: Women should be advised that when asked what he is thinking about, a man replies “nothing,” he is telling the truth. Men should be advised that when asked what she is thinking about, a woman replies “nothing,” he is already in trouble.
- Animal’s Law of Humor: Any joke worth telling is worth telling badly.
- Animal’s First Law of Internet Histrionics: Whenever anyone sends you something that is announced to be a “must-read,” it’s going to be a piece of utter crap. Even more so if the MUST-READ is announced in all caps.
- Animal’s Second Law of Internet Histrionics: Any communication written in all-caps can be safely disregarded as irrelevant and probably stupid.
- Animal’s Law of Excessive Use of Annoying Acronyms: Anyone who, in an email, comment, forum post or any other internet communication, ends at least half of their sentences with “LOL” should be beaten to death with their keyboards.
- Animal’s First Law of Stupidity Avoidance: Never read the comments. (Except here at Glibertarians, of course.)
- Animal’s Second Law of Stupidity Avoidance: Facebook. Don’t. Just don’t.
- Animal’s Law of Altered States: Any internet content worth reading, is worth reading drunk.
- Animal’s Law of Assertion: In any online forum (except for Glibertarians, of course) any assertion of fact unsupported by evidence can be safely disregarded as an example of the breathtaking abandon with which people just make shit up.
Media and Entertainment
- Animal’s First Law of Television Advertising: In advertisements for car dealerships, the loudness of the announcer’s voice is directly proportional to the stupidity of their targeted demographic.
- Animal’s Second Law of Television Advertising: Whenever a television ad states, “Experts agree,” they don’t.
- Animal’s Third Law of Television Advertising: Whenever a television ad states, “This is HUGE,” it isn’t.
- Animal’s First Law of Programming: Despite the three Laws of Television Advertising, the most entertaining, well-made, and thoughtful programming in American television is usually the commercials.
- Animal’s Second Law of Programming: Reality television isn’t.
- Animal’s First Law of Celebrity: A person who is talented and attractive is not necessarily intelligent.
- Animal’s Second Law of Celebrity: The least intelligent celebrities are the most vocal.
From Other Sources:
- Travis’s Law of Conversation: Old men will always talk about the weather. Old women will always talk about old men.
- Martin’s Law of Inebriation: If you can lie on the floor without holding on, you’re not drunk.